


my messiah (you’re killing me)

by rayfelle



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Blood and Injury, Eventual Romance, Getting Together, M/M, Major Character Injury, Slow Burn, manga typical violence, one handjob scene, pre-snk canon, some OCs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 11:21:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 33,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29900328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rayfelle/pseuds/rayfelle
Summary: Survey Corps is where people go to die, according to the gossipy grandmas in the markets. It’s where those who graduate die young, in the belly of a titan.Jimin joins them anyway.
Relationships: Kim Taehyung | V/Park Jimin
Comments: 1
Kudos: 22





	my messiah (you’re killing me)

**Author's Note:**

> first of all, a big thank you to [Aija](https://twitter.com/saunatonttuija) for suffering through me dumping random bits of this monster and making her read it and also for allowing me to wheedle her into beta-ing this afterwards as well. she doesnt care about BTS and yet she suffers through these things for me. she's the best 💖💖💖

Jimin graduates today, side by side with Taehyung and Jungkook. Though, both of them got into the top ten of this year’s graduates while he had been named nr. 12.

Not that it matters to Jimin. He didn’t care about the Military Police or the Garrison, unlike what he had told everyone, his mother included. While Jungkook and Taehyung both were guaranteed spots in the Military Police, along with the rest of their friends, Jimin never had any intentions to go there.

Not at all.

The only ones that come to their graduation and recruitment are Namjoon and Yoongi, of course. Hoseok and Seokjin, while trained soldiers, are both doctors on stand-by in cases when a soldier comes back still alive after encountering a titan. Rare those cases may be, but every life saved is one more body that will not be buried and left to rot in the dirt.

“Congratulations, you guys.” Namjoon smiles as he slaps Jungkook on the back. His uniform is pristine, unlike how Jimin remembers the older man from when they were still silly children playing around in dust and dirt. “I will be seeing you two in our barracks soon, huh?”

Jungkook puffs up like a pleased cat. “I can’t wait!”

“When will we be paid? I promised my mom to send some money back home, for my sisters and brothers.” Taehyung has already taken off his jacket and untied his boots.

Yoongi hides a yawn behind his hand. “You’ll be told all of that boring shit when you start out.” He turns to Jimin then, wearing a teasing little grin, “So, after all that bragging you still didn’t get in the top ten, huh?”

Jimin huffs, knows how to play this game of pretend by now. “I don’t need to be in the top to join the Garrison, you know that. Besides, I just didn't want to take the place of someone who actually wants to get in your division. That would be rude.”

Around him the other trainees laugh and titter in excitement as the recruitment continues. Jimin has already put his name down in the Survey Corps list, the first one to do so. The commander, Erwin Smith, had merely raised his eyebrows in the face of Jimin’s excitement. Which had not been excitement at all ,but just the frantic need to sign up before any of his friends were to see and ask questions, try to talk him out.

“Sure. Have fun scrubbing the walls then, kid. And don’t fall off of one before you get your first day off and we can meet up again.” Yoongi scrunches his nose as he laughs.

Soon the newly recruited are being called to join the division of their choosing as they all need to leave. Jimin says his goodbyes and weaves through the small groups towards where the Survey Corps soldiers are waiting, standing tall and proud despite the pitying glances and even some sneers sent their way. 

There are not many kids of his training group there, maybe ten others out of the fifty kids that graduated. Jimin’s not surprised. Survey Corps is where people go to die, according to the gossipy grandmas in the markets. It’s where those who graduate die young, in the belly of a titan.

Erwin Smith doesn’t say anything about the number, just glances at each and every one of them, his bright blue eyes piercing and judging, evaluating.

“We’ll be heading to the barracks for now. Tomorrow you will be given a squad. Welcome to the Survey Corps.” Erwin turns and the green cape flutters around him, the wings on his back moving as if alive. 

Jimin breathes in deep and follows without looking back.

…

Mike Zacharias is Jimin’s new team leader.

The team is not the largest one in the Survey Corps, but it’s big enough. Important enough. Jimin stands unmoving as Commander Erwin speaks about their goals, the reasons for why they are all here, the probability of them not living a long life. Jimin knows all of this already, but he listens anyway. 

When he is together with his new team, easily the shortest one between them all, he doesn’t feel any less nervous. Mike is a tall man, tall enough that Jimin needs to tilt his head up. Someone behind him laughs and Jimin scowls, grits his teeth as he decides not to turn and glare at whoever it is. Sounds like Alexander, one of the other trainees from his graduate class, a gangly asshole that liked to make fun of other, less fortunate trainees, in order to keep his own popularity high enough to not be picked on.

“I wouldn’t laugh if I were you, Belov. I saw this tiny one during one of the exams and he could sucker punch you right out.” A tall, blond lady speaks up from her side next to Mike. She smiles down at Jimin with kindness, “Besides, the tiny ones usually turn out to be the ones to watch out for. Our own captain Levi is proof of that!”

“He wouldn’t like you calling him tiny.” Mike notes absentmindedly. He’s leaned slightly down and is sniffing Jimin’s hair.

The woman hums. “What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.” She then straightens out, and addresses them all, both new and old soldiers, “I’m Nanaba, the vice-captain. We’ll start with some drills and then go through formations within the team, then later do the same with the whole division. The sooner you all get to know these things, the sooner you get to take parts in expeditions.”

Mike nods once. “We’ll start with basic drills.”

At the end of the day Jimin is exhausted. There are ripped calluses on his palms from gripping the blade handles for too long and the belts have left red marks on his skin. Despite the grime of sweat and dirt, the pain in his muscles and hands, Jimin feels accomplished. Strong. He has kept up with the more experienced soldiers, his new teammates, even if they all had gone easy for the day. 

Jimin had not been the best of his class, but he is damn good anyway, even if just thanks to hard work than any hidden talent, unlike how it seemed to be with his best friends.

If there even is talent to being a soldier and operating the maneuvering gear. 

“Ah, Park, here you are. I was looking for you.” Nanaba doesn’t even bat an eye as she walks in the men’s showers, nor do any of the soldiers still lingering about care about her presence much. “Here, I brought you some ointment for your hands. The rest of you newbies as well, if someone needs it.”

Jimin takes the offered ointment with a quiet thank you and applies it gently, carefully over the hurting spots. The skin of his hands should already be used to this, there are rough patches already formed from the years spent in training. With time, perhaps, this will also stop being a problem. 

At night, in the barracks, while the rest of the boys and men sleep, their snores loud, Jimin looks out of the window, at the starry sky and wonders what his friends are doing. While he is here, getting ready for the world beyond the walls, they must be sleeping soundly in their new beds, about to serve the rich and corrupt, the well-fed pigs at the top of the hierarchy.

With a sigh Jimin turns on his side and closes his eyes, ready for sleep. One day he will need to tell them that he had lied and took on the insignia of the wings, rather than the entwining roses of the Garrison. One day, if he manages to make it back from his first mission, whenever that will be.

…

There is more training, of course. With Mike’s quiet approval they move on from their own team dynamic and movement try-outs, to the general formations and battle strategies that the whole of Survey Corps uses and applies when outside the walls.

Jimin listens along with rapt attention to every word and piece of information that he is given. From how to best ride and call out to his horse, to all the possibilities on how any expedition outside might turn out and what to do in these cases. From being the only one left alive in his team, to being lost due to a titan attack, to securing and bringing back injured and the dead, old bodies found out there included. 

With every day his body grows more tired and more used to the regime, the demands of his new occupation. Jimin powers through everything with what sometimes feels like his determination alone. There are bad days when his wires tangle and snap, swords don’t listen to what he wants them to do. And there are the good days when the hooks catch onto trees and his blades slice through training dummies like they are butter.

From gossip alone Jimin knows that Military Police is nowhere near this busy and worked to the bone, this tired. They have no need to stay always alert and prepared for a titan attack when they are so deep inside the walls, protected by them instead.

“I remember your smell well.” Mike says out of the blue one day.

Jimin jumps and wobbles onto his feet instantly, a salute at the ready on drilled-in instinct alone. His fist against his heart and the other behind his back, under where the insignia of the wings will sit once he dons on the forest green cape. His heart may not belong to the military, but Jimin is willing to offer anything to them in order to find what he wants.

“No need for that now.” Mike chuckles and sits down on the empty chair next to Jimin’s. He still looks larger than life. “You smell like one of the soldiers we had a while back, a brave man.”

“My father, sir.” Jimin sits down again, reaches out for his equipment that he had been in the middle of cleaning, changes his mind. “He never returned after an expedition, years ago now.”

Mike nods along. “Is that why you joined us, then? Erwin said you were in a rush to sign up, unlike how it usually goes.”

It’s hard to reply instantly. Jimin clutches onto his knees and takes a deep breath. He doesn’t need to lie here and now. In some ways, all of those under the Survey Corps banner are suicidal. The mortality rate is the highest, the danger indescribable. Every expedition outside could be your last, every try to explore the outside world could end up with him screaming in agony as a titan tears him apart, piece by piece. Like he is worth nothing. 

“I want to find my father and I want to kill as many of those things that I can while doing so. I could have gotten in the Military Police, but the last thing I want to do is protect some rich assholes that only care for themselves and make the poor even poorer.” Jimin swallows down the ball of resentment as best as he can. “I want to see what is beyond and I don’t care if I die for it.”

The silence stretches out. Mike doesn’t move, but Jimin can feel the man’s heavy gaze on him. With stuttered movements he pulls the disassembled equipment back onto his lap to continue the cleaning. Jimin’s fingers are trembling slightly, as they always do when he opens up about his father, the man that rode out tall and proud on his horse and never returned.

“Those are good enough reasons to be here.” Mike eventually says.

Jimin doesn’t understand, but he also doesn’t question things. Instead, he methodically cleans out the tiny holes and indents of his equipment, the gears and screws, makes sure the wires are in top shape, and checks over the blade handles. The night slowly settles over them, but Mike doesn’t leave. The man’s quietness is better than the pity and empty sorrys that Jimin usually gets when people find out about his father and how he had died.

The Survey Corps understand their own. They understand death like no one else in these damned walls will ever do.

Once his equipment is clean and Jimin is ready to head to the barracks for some well-deserved sleep, he stops and hesitates. Mike waits.

“Should I tell my friends and mother about me being here, do you think? Sir.” Jimin finally asks. He feels like a young child, younger than he really is, as he asks someone older and smarter silly questions.

Mike sniffs once. “Do you want to?”

As he falls asleep in his bed Jimin thinks and wonders. In the end, it seems almost silly, but he doesn’t want to reveal this just yet, for some reason. Perhaps it’s selfishness, perhaps cowardice, but Jimin doesn’t have the strength to deal with how his friends might react to the decisions he has made so far.

…

The first time Jimin sees captain Levi it’s raining hard. He’s soaked to the bone thanks to the drills that Nanaba made them all go through. Although it was only the new recruits this time around, as the older soldiers are too valuable to get sick from drills that basic.

The captain may be short, even more so than Jimin, but the aura around the man is that of a monster. When he walks, men and women part before him. His gait is heavy, eyes piercing as they glance over whoever is still lingering in the cold corridors of the headquarters. Between all the highly skilled and much talked about soldiers Jimin has met until now, or even just seen from afar, captain Levi is someone that demands respect, even without the need of tales of his skill and brutality on the battlefield.

Jimin admires and fears this man equally.

Only when captain Levi disappears behind a corner of a hallway that Jimin feels himself relaxing, together with everyone around him. He shivers and wraps a towel tighter around him for warmth, at least until he gets to the showers and can put on dry clothes again.

The red marks of the straps are especially sore today. The friction of wet clothes and leather against his skin has turned some of the marks into red and raw bruises in places, though thankfully not all over. Jimin pulls out an ointment he had bought from the on-site doctors a few days back and gently smooths it over the most painful of spots. 

Starting from tomorrow are his first couple of days off ever since he joined the Survey Corps. His body will rest and so will his mind, if even for a couple of days.

All of team Mike, both new and old soldiers, gather in the canteen once everyone has washed and dried off enough. There is fire crackling in the fireplace and Jimin sits as close to it as he can, relaxes in the warmth that pours over him. His whole body loosens up even more so and sleep creeps up slowly, without him even noticing.

“Hey, heeey, don’t sleep here, Park. You’ll miss the fun part of the evening like that.” Thomas, an older man with a goatee, slaps Jimin on the shoulder and laughs. “Come here, you greenhorn, we got the good stuff out to welcome you newbies properly.”

Jimin rubs at his eyes, but follows Thomas closer to the table and squeezes in between Alexander and a woman whose name he doesn't remember right now, both of whom look just as tired as he feels, but still cheer when the alcohol is slammed down in the middle of the table. Jimin laughs with them. He has rarely tasted alcohol stronger than what his mother used to make in the kitchen of their home, when they could still afford it, but the smell is strong when he sniffs at the liquid in the glass that has been passed to him.

Nanaba raises her own glass slightly in the air with a smile, “Here’s to you fresh batch, hopefully you’ll stay with us for a while.” She drinks it all down in one go.

It’s a somber toast, but it fits with the military division that Jimin had chosen himself and he has heard worse toasts besides.

The liquid burns as it goes down, but Jimin doesn’t cough and sputter. He does make a face that gets the older soldiers to laugh and tease him, but not in a meanspirited way. Even Alexander, after they have spent weeks together in grueling training and gotten a bit friendlier, does so in a goonatured way. When it’s Alexander’s turn, the man sputters and coughs after taking his drink far too quickly.

“Drinking again. And teaching the kids your bad ways. A shame.” Mike walks up to them later in the evening and takes a swing straight from the bottle, though not as much as Jimin had thought the man might drink. Might be the smell. “Erwin approved of you all for our next expedition outside of wall Maria. Your two days off have turned into three days off so you can meet up with family or friends before final preparations and departure.”

What Jimin feels after hearing the news is both cold, cold fear and indescribable excitement. Finally, he will be getting out. Finally, he will follow the same path that his father probably took, if only the first of steps outside of the gates that keep the true monsters of this world out of what little of humanity is left within the walls.

…

Jimin goes to Hermina for his days off. It’s the closest city to the headquarters and one where he will meet some of his friends, finally, after months of not seeing each other properly. The one day off from time to time is not enough free time for such travel. The letters he had sent off to respond to his friends’ confusion about the time issue had not been well received, not when they all know that Garrison is not that stingy with the free time of their soldiers.

Before getting on the back of a horse Jimin had spent time smoothing his palm over the green cape that he had been given, the wings of freedom that were now his to carry and represent. His life now belongs to them, the freedom that comes with a price is tied to it. It’s a commitment that Jimin will not back out, no matter what might come at him – be it titan teeth tearing off his limbs, judgement of people, or friendships ruined because of his selfishness, his lies.

They are his wings and his burden, the same way it is for the rest of the Survey Corps scouts.

Jimin rides into Hermina with the cape securely stashed in his bag, together with the money pouch that is heavier than what he had ever had while living in his village, back in the green meadows that stretch between wall Maria and wall Rose. He doesn’t want to attract attention just yet, doesn’t want the judgement of his choice to come down upon him the second he meets up with his friends to catch up.

The streets are busy, but not crowded. His uniform does get Jimin some looks, but they are mostly glances that quickly move on and don’t bother lingering. It’s the first time he has really been in this city, so the streets are unfamiliar and resemble a maze more than any concrete path to take. Jimin does find the dinery that Yoongi had written about in his letters, the one with the secluded rooms for easier privacy if it was needed.

Since it’s already midday the place is full. When Jimin asks for Yoongi by name the barmaid nods her head towards the steps that lead upstairs and says that room number 3 is the one he’s looking for. Jimin thanks her and goes off. The bag slung over his shoulder is heavy. It’s also grounding.

“By the Walls, it’s Jimin! I thought we would never see you again, with how hard the Garrison is working you!” Seokjin yells out the second Jimin opens the doors, his cheeks already flushed just so. 

Jimin smiles, laughs. “Yeah, well, here I am.”

“Jiminie, I missed you.” Taehyung is out of his chair and hugging Jimin in a second. His hair has grown out, long enough to reach his chin now.

With equally strong desperation to once again have his best friend in his arms, Jimin hugs Taehyung back. To be able to smell his best friend again, to feel the bigger body against him like this, to feel the weight of Taehyung is already so nostalgic. With the expedition that looms over him, Jimin wants to melt all of this into his memory like never before. He wants to breathe in everything Taehyung and keep it in his lungs, his stomach until the day that he dies and his blood seeps into the dirt underneath.

“I missed you too, Tae.” Jimin mumbles into the other’s shoulder and then let’s go. 

He sits next to Taehyung, obviously, with Namjoon on his other side and the others around the table. At first it’s light and refreshing to catch up properly and talk without the days in-between each new letter. Jungkook complains about the unexpected boredom that plagues the Military Police. Namjoon just shakes his head and adds that boredom is a sign of peaceful and quiet times.

“We got some of the suicidal corps guys with complications brought in recently. Those that had come back with missing limbs and things. It’s kind of depressing.” Hoseok chews a piece of salad thoughtfully. He wrinkles his nose when some of the oil used as dressing drips on the front of his shirt. “Shit, can someone pass me a napkin?”

Seokjin does so quickly. “We’ll wash that out after getting back, so that it doesn’t stain. But yeah, it’s less the physical and more the trauma in here.” The man pokes the side of his head, “Some of them can barely sleep through the night in the best of cases.”

“Well, seeing all those naked freaks does that. Shouldn’t have chosen to go to that dump of a division. Everyone knows they are all just titan puke in waiting.” Yoongi notes before emptying his drink. He sighs.

“Garrison must be pretty nice in comparison, huh? All you need to do is walk along the wall and shoot the cannons sometimes.” Hoseok notes with some level of teasing. He’s grinning slightly, though his eyes flit from the oil spill on his shirt to Jimin and back down quickly enough.

Jungkook slaps the table, the other hand extended to point at Jimin. “Yeah! All the guys on Sina just drink and talk shit daily. Garrison is easy work. And useless on inner walls.”

It’s Taehyung that stiffens, not Jimin himself. He glances to the right with furrowed eyebrows and confusion, because why would Taehyung get defensive about this. The Garrison is the laughingstock of the three divisions, the one that has always been lauded as the easiest of the three, the one that doesn’t really matter. It may be respected more than the Survey Corps, but is that really enough?

Jimin opens his mouth to speak, still confused over Taehyung’s reaction, but the other man does so before him.

“Don’t talk about it like that. You shouldn’t insult the division that Jimin is in. He’s not useless.”

Namjoon hums from Jimin’s other side. Until now he had been pretty uncaring of the division opinions, even ones of his own. “Well, Jimin might not be yet, but with nothing to do he will be soon.”

“From what I just heard Military Police has even less work to do than the Garrison, though. Doesn’t that make you guys just as rusty in your skills?” Jimin quips. He has finally had enough of this. He had always kept his mouth shut on his thoughts about the Military Police out of respect for his friends’ choices than any respect for the division, but this is too much.

Yoongi is frowning at him from the other side of the table. “Don’t talk shit you don’t know, Jimin.”

“But you can talk shit about the other divisions as much as you want, mine included?” Jimin looks Yoongi in the eye and shoots back, daring. He doesn’t name Garrison as his rightful place.

Everyone is wide-eyed now, uncomfortably quiet as they shift their gaze from Yoongi to Jimin. Seokjin opens his mouth to interject, maybe comment, but then chooses not to. Next to Yoongi, Jungkook sits frozen, pale despite the earlier pink flush of alcohol that had spread across his face.

Taehyung is the stillest. Jimin doesn’t want to know what his best friend is thinking and realizing right now.

But he doesn’t have a choice in that matter.

“You joined the scouts, didn’t you.” Taehyung doesn’t frame it as a question. It's a fact that he just realized as the truth, the lie that Jimin had been hiding in-between the lines of his letters.

Hoseok’s fork clatters noisily against the metal plate. “What? No way. Jimin, no way, _right_?”

Even Yoongi has changed from his earlier irritation to something like disbelief. His eyes are wider, trained on Jimin in a way that speaks more than words could ever say. Fear, maybe. Terror of a possibility where one of his friends had willingly signed up to die in a violent, horrible, grotesque death.

“Yeah. I did.”

“Are you out of your _mind_?” Yoongi whispers.

Jungkook swallows, blinks. He licks his lips then and speaks quietly, “Why would you do that?”

It’s heartbreaking to see them all so… hurt. Jimin breathes in and holds the air in his lungs for a couple of seconds. He didn’t want to hurt them, but he also didn’t and _doesn’t_ want to make himself unhappy _for_ them. This day would have come anyway. He might not make it back and he rather they all hear it from his mouth than an envoy from the Survey Corps, when a cape in honor of his death is brought to his mother’s house and she passes the message on. Jimin loves them all too much. They are too important to be treated as an afterthought.

“I always wanted to join them. Even since my father didn’t come back, maybe even before that.” Jimin keeps his hands atop the table, turns them over to watch the hard calluses on his palms rather than any of his friends. “I want to go out there, no matter what. I want to see the world, no matter how small it may be outside of the walls.”

It’s a part of the truth. But this half is better than the rest. Mike understands because he is part of the Survey Corps, has been for a very long time. But his friends don’t. While they dreamed of pouches heavy with money and easy work, Jimin sat in anger and resentment towards the life within the walls, the titans that killed his father. He did not want it easy then and doesn’t want it now.

“You’ll die.” Namjoon states it like a fact. As if he doesn’t think Jimin is strong enough.

Taheyung’s head snaps up, teeth bared. “ _Don’t call him weak_.”

“I will if it’s the truth, Taehyung! He’ll go out there and fucking die. For what? For nothing!” Namjoon raises his voice with every word, his hands clenched in fists. He’s scared as well, like all of them.

Jimin laughs then, almost bitter. “Wow, you think so little of me. Do you really think I couldn’t have made it in the top ten, if I had wanted to? I just didn’t want to be part of the Military Police, so why would I try for that?” He reaches for the cup of alcohol before him and sips from it. The burn soothes his nerves, but not his dry throat.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Taehyung has wrapped his fingers around Jimin’s wrist and now holds onto him as if Jimin is fragile. “Didn’t you trust me?”

And this hurts Jimin the most. It’s why his constant lies ate him alive some days, why he almost decided not to say anything at all. There is no one else in this entire world that Jimin trusts more than Taehyung, the same way there is only one person who could have talked him out of this, all of this. 

“I trust you with my life, Taehyung.” Jimin whispers. “But I couldn’t tell you because you would have talked me out and I would have resented you for it.” He knows himself far too well.

There are tears in Taehyung’s eyes as he nods in understanding. 

Jimin doesn’t tell them about the expedition. He wants to be selfish still. He wants to guard them just one last time, for one last time. When he leaves the dinery his heart is lighter than before.

…

A week before the expedition Jimin gets a letter from Taehyung. 

There are lines written by the others as well. They are asking him questions about his sanity, trying to subtly imply that he should not be in the scouts, that he should leave. Jimin breathes through his nose in anger barely concealed.

“Your friends? Or family?” Alexander has his own letters to read through. He doesn’t look happy about them either. “Are yours also telling you that you’re making a mistake and will no longer be seen as a member of the family?”

Jimin looks up from Taehyung’s shaky handwriting. “No, just trying to change my mind. My family doesn’t know.”

Alexander laughs. “Honestly, I should have never told mine either. Fuck, now they act as if they give a shit.”

Instead of reprimanding or begging Jimin to change his mind, Taehyung writes about nothing important at all. There are lines about his daily routine, the criminals that the Military Police need to look out for, the underground under Mitras that Taehyung is afraid of, even if he hasn’t even been close to it.

There is a small plea to stay safe at the end. Jimin stares at the words for a long time. He thinks back on his lie that stayed untold. He thinks of the annoyance that still sometimes simmers up when the guys implied that he is not skilled enough, not good enough for anything else other than sitting on his ass and pretending that his duty is worth it. 

“Honestly, maybe I shouldn’t have told my friends either.” Jimin scoffs.

Alexander snorts, his own letters now crumpled into balls and thrown on the ground. “Yeah. Should have kept my mouth shut and not said shit. All of this just makes me want to get out and let a fucking titan eat me out of spite.”

Despite himself and the mood that Jimin is in, he laughs. At first, it’s one of surprise, then Jimin just keeps laughing and feels himself relaxing. Alexander joins in soon as well. Without thinking about it too much, Jimin sends back a letter to his friends with just one sentence on it: _I’m leaving for an expedition, I’ll reply properly when I get back_.

Perhaps it’s a cruel revenge, but it’s already done and Jimin can’t change that.

…

No cape has been this heavy before.

Wrapped around Jimin’s shoulders the cape sits still, as still as he is in the saddles of his horse. The sky above is yet to color with sunrise colors, but Jimin feels wide awake anyway. Even in the early morning of the expedition nothing feels real yet. On his left side Alexander looks to be barely breathing and is clutching onto the reins with a grip so tight that Jimin fears the man will have wounds the shape of his nails.

Commander Erwin is not with them yet, but instead there is captain Hanji. The woman is more energetic than anyone else present, her glasses pushed on the top of her messy bedhead as she talks loudly with the people of her own squad.

A hush falls over when commander Erwin finally makes an appearance. He stands atop of a slightly raised platform, arms behind his back and his stance stall, proud. The grim line of his eyebrows loosens just so, but not the intensity that he possesses, the kind that makes Jimin hold his breath as he listens.

“Today we leave for an expedition outside of the walls, my men. All of you here are brave and skilled, all of whom I would trust my life to and have already done so. I expect you all to be successful out there, behind the walls, and come back to here the same as you left. Now, _go_ and prove that mankind is still powerful and to be feared. Offer up your hearts!” Erwin salutes in one quick, powerful move, his speech tethering off into a yell that everyone gathered in the courtyard hears.

Jimin hits his chest with his fist and replies with the rest of the soldiers present. Their combined _yes_ echoes, or maybe it just feels like it does thanks to the power put into just one, tiny word. But it sparks something alive and kicking inside of him, that fire that had flickered unsteady after Jimin’s meeting with his friends. It’s ignited now, warm and dangerous.

They reach Jimin’s village around midday. There are people that come out or stop what they are doing to watch as the Survey Corps passes through, though none of the people do so with kindness or admiration. Despite the noise that so many horses make Jimin still makes out comments about them all going off to die and waste more lives. 

It takes a while, but someone seems to recognize Jimin. He looks to his side and sees a man that lives next to his childhood home, the same one that tried to get his mother to marry him after Jimin’s father died. Jimin keeps an eye-contact with this man now, sees the recognition in his face. Next to the man is his mother, though her reaction is one that Jimin can’t look at for long.

She has her mouth covered, tears streaming down her face as she watches him pass by. Jimin smiles, barely manages to do so and then looks away. His mother stays quiet, the same quiet she had been when they brought back the proof of his father’s death, the same kind of quiet she was every time her husband left for outside of the walls. 

Jimin doesn’t cry, no matter how much he wants to.

By the time night has settled in again they have made it to the inside wall of Shiganshina. They stop here for sleep. Come morning they are up again early and walk through the last place of humanity before there will be nothing but titans and unrecorded land before them. 

The crowds of people that have come to watch do nothing to calm Jimin’s nerves. The bells ring as the gate is raised. Erwin raises his hand and yells one last encouragement before they ride through the arc, leaving behind anything safe and known.

Jimin swallows, gathers himself and does as he has been taught to.

Once out of the walls they immediately fall into formation. Jimin takes his spot as instructed, next to a woman named Hannika and another senior soldier. They ride as fast as they can towards a goal that Jimin has managed to forget, as he has more important things to worry about. Despite the Garrison having slowed down any titans close to the walls it’s still possible that they will regenerate and follow them, or that somewhere before them there will be a new monster just waiting, with its jaw unhinged and ready to devour.

It’s not long that suddenly the sky is streaked in red to the right side. Jimin doesn’t know exactly which one of the many red lines is the first one, but he does realize what tt means. Instead of following the path that the flares made, he focuses on what is close to him, the open fields and trees littering the horizon.

As the horses make way further into unclaimed territory Jimin keeps getting antsier. So far he has not seen any titans and that’s strange. Suspicious.

Perhaps as if called by his wonderings suddenly a great mass of flesh walks out in front of them from the crop of trees ahead. Next to him Hannika curses as she tries to make her horse change it’s running path. The other soldier is trying to gather his flare gun to shoot.

“Something is not right!” Jimin yells, hopes that he is heard.

The titan focuses on them so suddenly it makes Jimin jump. Its eyes are big, sunken into its head. With an incomprehensible yell and drool dripping down it’s face the thing suddenly starts moving. But it doesn’t run. It gallops, even falls into a crawl as it gets closer and closer to Jimin’s tiny group. Next to him a red flare shoots up into the sky, finally.

“Fuck, we won’t be able to escape this shit.” Hannika urges her horse to run faster.

Jimin keeps his eyes on the titan, curses under his breath as the thing crashes into trees and kicks up dirt. The titan keeps on getting closer and closer, the movements erratic, though the mindless hunger in its eyes is the most terrifying thing of it.

Barely Jimin manages to get his horse to turn a sharp left and the titan’s giant hand misses him. He still feels the wind that makes his hair whip around, can feel the heat that comes from the monster that is now practically next to him. Can smell the stench of decay that comes from the titan’s mouth.

Hannika yells. The other soldier doesn’t say a word as he lets go of his horse’s reins and reaches for the handles of his swords. Jimin doesn’t have the time to think as he makes his horse weave in front of the lumbering, stupid thing with hopes of giving his comrade a chance, just the tiniest chance to kill it.

The hiss of hooks shooting forward and latching into the titan seems louder than the titan’s roars. Jimin throws a look back just in time to see the soldier land onto its neck and raise his swords, the titans hand coming down on him at the same time. A flare shoots into the titan’s face and it makes a warbling sound, a loud thing that is sure to attract even more attention towards them.

The soldier cuts into the titan’s neck, and it falls face first into the ground. Jimin gets dirt in his face, but he’s alive. Hannika has blood across her face and is panting heavily. The soldier whistles for his horse and hops back in the saddle the second the animal is close enough.

There is steaming blood across the front of the man’s shirt. He ignores it. “Let’s go, we need to keep up with the formation.”

Jimin’s hands shake. He looks back at the steaming corpse that lies behind them and knows that they got lucky this time. Just lucky.

…

Hannika’s face is completely covered in dried blood by the time they make it to the sort-of Survey Corp base outside of the walls.

It’s a tiny patch of long since abandoned buildings. None of them have remained intact. The roofs have caved in in places, the walls crumbled, and some are nothing more than a couple of corner stones barely hanging on. There are tents, though Jimin isn’t sure if they are newly erected or have been standing for years now, since the last time the scouts have been here.

Mike is standing atop of one the few houses left standing that has a secure enough roof to hold the man’s weight. Every now and then Jimin’s captain sniffs at the air, like a hunting dog, then returns to simply observing those down on the ground. 

Jimin jumps off from his horse and quickly rushes over to Hannika’s side as the woman staggers when her feet touch the ground. A field medic is already running towards them, his hands red with blood. 

“Hannika’s group all secure!” The field medic yells and someone by the tents responds.

Jimin and the other soldier take their and Hannika’s horse towards the makeshift stables. Jimin looks around and then joins the rest of his team as they all huddle around and eat whatever they had been given as rations this time around. Alexander is still here, though much paler and less talkative than before.

“Good, you also got here in one piece, Park.” Nanaba stuffs a piece of bread in her mouth and washes it down with water. “We haven’t lost anyone, though some are injured. The guys on the right flank weren’t so lucky, a couple of groups arrived injured and one is yet to get here at all.”

“They were at the back. Might have been taken out.” Thomas grunts.

Jimin sits down and hides a grimace at the pain in his legs. Saddleback riding is not as comfortable in a situation this stressful. “We got chased by an abnormal, but, uh, the guy that was with me, he killed it off.”

“Ah, Roberts. Yeah, he’s super skilled. Levi offered place in his special ops squad, but he refused. Kind of badass if you ask me.” Someone comments, but Jimin is too busy with his food to bother figuring out who it is.

Nanaba laughs. “I’m pretty sure he just didn’t want to deal with cleaning on days off. Petra has whined about that so many times now.”

Mike whistles suddenly and all of those that had been standing guard in case of a titan attack quickly move into positions. Jimin stands as well, hands hovering over the blade handles hanging from his hips in case he is needed as well. Above him a couple of soldiers fly past, towards where Mike is pointing to. The ground shakes more and more then closer the titan gets.

A roar, yelling and then the sound of something large and heavy hitting the ground. Silence.

Everyone left in the base relax almost instantly. The field medics curse up a storm in one of the tents. Jimin goes back to eating his food, uncomfortably aware that whoever is in that tent might not be alive for much longer.

It’s soon afterwards that they are ordered in different directions to scout the territories not covered in the previous expedition. Jimin goes with his own team this time, as there is no need to travel as huge of a distance as they covered when coming this far out into the world. He thinks about asking about his father, but thinks better of it. 

Nanaba leads Jimin and the rest into a forest. The foliage is pretty dense, though thanks to that it’s possible to hear whenever an animal, or something bigger and more dangerous, makes a move. They move slowly, carefully, with enough distance between them to cover more ground, but be close enough in case of an attack.

Once they are fairly deep into the forest Jimin looks up to the treetops when he hears a strange creaking above him and can’t help but gasp.

There, hanging from a mess of tangled wires and broken maneuver gear, is a body wearing the Survey Corp cape. Jimin knows that in cases they find any remains they are to be taken back inside the walls, if possible. He stops his horse in its tracks and whistles out a tune, a sign of a body found. A whistle is sent in return – an acknowledgement. 

It doesn’t take much to propel himself up and land on a branch, though it does creak under Jimin’s weight. Carefully, as not to drop the skeleton on the ground, Jimin starts to work on cutting the wires. Underneath him Thomas has come to keep watch, or catch the body if need be.

Perhaps it’s only thanks to the leather straps of the maneuver gear that the skeleton is still in once piece, so Jimin doesn’t try to cut those apart as well. Instead, he lowers both himself and the skeleton down gently, so that the remains are not damaged any further and then works on stripping off the damaged gear. After that, it’s easy to fold the clothed remains like one would do to a set of laundry, wrap them in the cape and secure on one side of his saddle. The old maneuver gear goes on the other side.

Thomas retreats to his previous position and Jimin follows along the route that he had been on before.

The peace doesn’t last long, since the titans must have finally smelled them out. It’s easy to tell when one is breaking through the forest, so it’s also easy to get ready for it. Jimin shoots up into the treetops once again, this time with his blades held tightly before him, ready for an attack.

The thing that lumbers through and takes out a tree with it is hideous. All stretched skin over a gaunt, overlarge skeleton. Just as the abnormal had done on Jimin’s way out here, this one as well groans and moans with its mouth completely open, large and clumsy hands grabbing at air and ground as it tries to take whatever human being it can.

Jimin maneuvers himself around it and then strikes when it’s open enough. A slash of his blade across the back of the titan’s neck and the thing is dead. He’s covered in steaming blood, but he has his first kill. Too bad the euphoria is cut short by a titan that Jimin had not seen or heard, a small one that moves faster than expected and wraps its pudgy fingers around Jimin, _squeezes_.

Any thought of possible help evaporates when Jimin hears the panicked yelling further into the trees. A bunch of them have come out, lured in by a mindless, all-consuming hunger.

“Fucking _fuck_!” Jimin curses.

Some of his ribs must be broken due to the titan squeezing him. Jimin feels the crack, the pain that follows in an almost blinding burst. He jams his swords into the monster’s fingers and cuts them off, recoils at the wail of pain that the titan emits. As fast as he can, Jimin aims and shoots towards the highest tree, flies away from the small titan while he can. It’s not easy to turn around in the forest as quickly, but he does so clumsily, to use the titan’s current state of distraction for his good and kill it.

It’s harder to take out this one than the previous, bigger one, but Jimin manages it. Without much thinking he then flies through the trees where his team is still fighting.

There is blood smeared across a tree that Jimin passes and he tries not to think about it. Doesn’t want to know.

Jimin speeds up and slices open another neck as he flies by. The bottom half someone falls from the titan’s mouth as it gurgles it’s last sound and falls over as well. With adrenaline still coursing in his blood, Jimin moves forward as quickly as he can, follows the broken and overturned trees. Someone else hangs impaled by a tree branch, but alive. There is no time to find out just who, as the person yells and points towards where the forest thins out.

When Jimin breaks through the trees and into the sun once again the seemingly last titan has already been taken out. He’s panting hard as he all but falls on the ground and stumbles forward, where Nanaba is cleaning titan blood from her face and calling out for updates on who is still alive.

“I saw someone on the way here, alive but stuck on a tree. I didn’t, didn’t notice who it was.” Jimin’s panting as well, his hands shake from how hard he is gripping onto his swords. He wipes something off from his face and the sleeve of his jacket comes back dark with blood. He doesn’t know whose it is. “Someone was eaten, there… I saw legs.”

Nanaba and the older soldiers look calm and collected even now. 

Jimin turns around towards the bushes and pukes.

“That must be Lewis. Someone needs to go and get him down, maybe back to the camp. Find out who the dead ones are, if you can.” Nanaba orders everyone around as she flings gunk from her swords and sheaths them again. She’s gentler when she speaks to Jimin, though, “Good job on your first real titan encounter. You’re still alive.”

All Jimin can do is nod before calling for his horse. The animal comes soon enough, thankfully alone and without any titans. For the first time Jimin takes in the view that greets him on the other side of the forest. A large nothingness before him, sprinkled with trees and small hills. Further away there are large, moving shapes of titans that have yet to notice them, are too far to.

There is nothing and yet it feels like everything.

Once back on horseback and ready to head back to the camp, just this time around the forest and not through it, Jimin can’t help but let out a groan of pain. He sits sagged forward in his saddle as someone asks him what hurts and where.

As evening and night starts to set there are no more titans that try to attack them. There is one more old body, however, that they take with them, though this one is in a much sorrier state than the remains that Jimin had found. Back at the tents Jimin and the other injured, including the man impaled on a tree, are rushed into the field medic’s tent. It’s there that Jimin finds out that the one death of their team is Alexander.

…

“Could be worse.” Mike sniffs at the rather sorry excuse of tea that they had been given and chooses not to drink it. “Usually more have died by now.”

Jimin is leaning against one of the still standing walls of a house, his ribs sore and hurting, other scrapes, ones that he had not even noticed himself before, treated with as much care as being out here is available. Along with two possibly broken ribs there had been a large, openly bleeding gash on his side that the field medics had quickly cleaned out with something that burned horribly, before stitching it shut. Now Jimin only hopes he will not get an infection or be killed on the way back.

Erwin is with Hanji and some other scout members. All of them are bent over maps and notes that have been made. Jimin knows there is a list of those that had died today in those piles of paper. Not all of the bodies could be retrieved.

“Well, Jimin here did very well. How many did you get rid of? Three titans?” Nanaba has her own scrapes and bruises, but not as many as some of the other soldiers. Her hair is a mess, but it suits her.

“Uh, three, I think. Two that came for me and then the one that… that ate Alexander.” Jimin still feels numb about that.

It’s a fact that should not have come as a surprise – how laughingly mortal they all were out here. Death to this corps, especially outside the walls, is as common as pests are in grain storages. But seeing death with his own eyes, for the first time, is something else. The wet splat of Alexander’s legs falling on the ground now echoes in Jimin’s head whenever he closes his eyes. There are flashes of red smeared against the trees, the way that the titan’s teeth had colored orange from it, the almost delighted glint in it’s otherwise empty eyes.

Thomas passes Jimin a flask that smells of alcohol and he takes it gratefully.

“Like I said, very well. You will have to sit out until we go back tomorrow evening, though, because of the ribs. No use in dying for nothing and when it can be prevented.” Nanaba takes the flask out of Jimin’s hands once he has done drinking and takes a sip herself.

Soon they all go to bed. The ones left with watch duty take their positions as high up as they can, armed with their gear and flare guns. The thin sleeping pallet is far from comfortable, especially with Jimin’s injuries, but he’s not dying, and this is more than sleeping on just the naked ground.

Sleep is fitful at best.

…

Around midday, after spending one more night outside the walls, everyone is ready to leave. Injured, dead and the small number of recovered bodies have been loaded into carts, next to unused, used and found equipment, as well as various samples requested by captain Hanji and very few outside artifacts brought back by some of the scouts. Tied to the carts with decently long ropes are the horses that had returned with no riders.

Many more names have been added to the list of deceased. Some of whom could not be brought back to camp.

Jimin sits on his horse. Hannika and Roberts are with him again, both uninjured apart from a couple of small scrapes and bruises. Hannika has a bandage around her forehead from that first titan that they met on the way here, but the woman doesn’t seem in the least bothered by it. 

“If there are titans right by the gates, or close to them, we need to kill those off as well. Since we’re out here anyway.” Hannika spits to the side, unimpressed. 

Roberts squints at the sky, “By the time we get back it’s gon’ be dark anyway.”

This time there is no speech by commander Erwin, as they are sitting ducks out in the open like this and there is no logic in empty risks. Erwin rides out first and they all fall into lines as they follow. The teams of three and four slowly split off to take their positions. Just like before, Jimin and his two teammates are on the far left, bringing up the rear corner.

It’s not smooth sailing this time either. There are red flares shooting up to the sky from all sides and even if they change course it’s still impossible to not evade all the titans – the few abnormal ones that show up especially. When Hannika spots a large, slowly lumbering titan coming their way it’s Jimin that shoots the flare this time. 

This time the titan is slow, so it’s easy to evade and outride. However, the smaller one that hurries before it is not. Roberts is silent as he reaches for his swords, a stark opposite to Hannika’s colorful swearing. Jimin grabs tighter to the reins of his horse and gets ready to be the bait needed to provide distraction if it comes to that.

Once the small titan is close enough Jimin steers his horse to run in front of it, leaving the other two soldiers for better opportunities to strike. His ribs protest to the harsh up-and-down of the horse’s stride, but it’s not the time to worry about that. Jimin glances back over his shoulder when he hears the titan howl in pain only to see the hooks of Hannika’s maneuver gear embedded into its eyes.

The woman then propels herself to it, lands on its forehead to kick off from it right after to execute a graceful alley-oop. Hannika slices through the titan’s neck like it’s nothing. Roberts is still on the look-out for the taller titan, just in case that it decides to take off into a sprint towards them as well. 

Luckily, it doesn’t.

“Fucking ugly bastards.” Hannika grumbles once she is back on her horse and by Jimin’s side.

Jimin looks towards his right and quickly finds the other teams that they should be keeping in their line of sight. On the way back there are more titans, apparently, though none near them. Jimin does spot a couple of steaming corpses, or smaller titans stuck in-between trees that have grown too close. Even without the flares it would be easy to tell that the other teams had gone through here already.

They reach the outer gates of Shiganshina when it’s been dark for a while, just like Roberts had predicted it. Jimin feels himself sagging in relief when he sees the gates rising up, and hears the Garrison soldiers from atop of the wall trying to yell something down to them. Maybe a welcome back, maybe something less kind.

Thankfully there are no crowds of people to welcome them back. It’s obvious that there have been more casualties on this trip back as well, as Jimin notices someone in front of him holding up another soldier, bloody and unresponsive, as they ride further into Shiganshina. Now that they are in the safety of the walls the medics will have more of a chance to save the poor soul, if it’s not too late.

“Well, happy end of first expedition, newbie brat. Glad you’re still with us.” Hannika has loosened up as well, perhaps thanks to both exhaustion and relief of being back. She even smiles, a little crooked and teasing, “Now you’re really one of us.”

Jimin can’t help but laugh. “Thanks. It was fun riding with you two.”

Despite the somber mood of having lost many, not having achieved much and being both bone tired and terrified, there is something warm and pleasant in being treated like a comrade, a part of something. Like he can be trusted and relied upon. Jimin knows he shouldn’t feel happy, not when he has returned to the walls with so little gained, apart from nightmares to fuel his nights and injuries, but he does feel useful. Skilled enough to have survived. Proud of himself.

Maybe some of the rumors are right and those that join the Survey Corps really aren’t all that sane to begin with. But here it’s normal and just a part of the usual.

“Let’s go, we’re sleepin’ outside of inner Shiganshina wall.” Roberts nudges them both into moving forward faster with a slightly annoyed glare.

“Home, sweet fucking home.” Hannika says through a yawn as they slowly make their way through the sleeping town.

…

Jimin’s mother cries when she sees him come back alive. Bruised and a little broken, but alive. This time Jimin doesn’t have the strength to so much as even acknowledge her. After a night spent barely sleeping, he just feels so much more tired than before. He has been wrung out like a dirty piece of cloth and left with only a weird kind of numbness. 

…

It takes two days for his friends to show up at the Survey Corps headquarters. 

Jimin is outside, tending to the horses as he is on strict rest for the next three weeks, when he will have another check up on the broken ribs. It’s still uncomfortable to move too much or sleep. Though, at least his large gash is doing well so far, as well as all the scrapes at the side of his face and any other smaller scratches and bumps. 

Just as Jimin has started brushing out another horse he hears someone call out his name.

“You got visitors, Park.” The older soldier yawns as they walk back to the headquarter entrance, where the reception desk has been awkwardly shoved into the closest nook for whenever guests do come by. “They were here the day you all left for the outside as well, I’m pretty sure.”

“Ah, really? I didn’t think they would come here.”

The soldier shrugs. “Yeah, well, we get an influx of visitors after expeditions or missions. Death and all that, you know? Anyway, you can walk outside, but no taking them inside the castle. Barracks are also a no-go.”

Jimin sees his three of his friends waiting outside the entrance, huddled together and looking around. He raises his hand, hesitates, but then decides to wave in a greeting anyway. Taehyung is the first to notice and waves back, smile genuine even after everything. The rest soon notice as well and stand straighter, surer. Seokjin’s eyes are narrowed as he’s trying to find any injuries that Jimin may have, surely.

“Okay, you as well. No going inside, outside or the guest room only. Since Park’s on sick leave anyway, he’s free for more or less the whole day. Unless you got other orders?” The older soldier turns to Jimin for that last part, brow furrowed in thought.

Jimin shakes his head. “No, captain put me on taking care of the horses with some of the others that sustained light injuries.”

“Yeah, that’s how it usually goes. Horses or gear maintenance.” The soldier waves at Jimin’s friends and returns to his reception desk.

Taehyung is in front of Jimin in two steps, hands hovering around him as if the man is unsure what and how strongly he is allowed to touch. Jimin can’t help but feel so relieved to see Taehyung again. He leans in, gently encircles his arms around his friend’s torso and bumps his forehead against the other’s shoulder. The hold is returned, just as gentle as Jimin’s.

“I knew you’d come back.” Taehyung whispers in Jimin’s hair, voice rough. “I knew it.”

“Of course. Can’t leave you alone, can I?” Jimin laughs.

There is a gentle pat on his upper back, a hair-ruffle and two somber welcome backs. Jimin takes it all in stride. His anger and resentment on how his friends seemed to think of him has gone away. As bad as it may seem, but he just doesn’t care anymore. He has proved that he is strong enough, skilled enough to go out and come back, to survive in a world that the rest of them are afraid of. Jimin is ready to return to the world without walls and fight through the monsters to find the proper, actual end of it. Unlike the rest, which is a thought that Jimin refuses to vocalise.

“You were right, you know?” Namjoon suddenly says. He swallows heavily, as if he’s barely holding back tears, “We had no right to say all that, about you or the other divisions. When Tae showed us your last letter… It felt like I, I mean, we pushed you into going, instead of encouraging a safe return.”

“I was called weak when I finished my training and went to become a medic instead. I’ve been the butt of that joke and should have known better.” Seokjin says against the crown of Jimin’s head, his hug just as loose as Taehyung’s had been.

It’s warm, being surrounded by his friends. It feels like a true home, the proper place where Jimin belongs. He buries his face in Seokjin’s neck for a moment, breathes in the rather musty-smelling cologne that the other has put on and then straightens out again.

“I did send that thing out of spite. But after coming back, I don’t know. Being angry over that feels kind of stupid.” Jimin doesn’t know if it’s an apology that he’s giving them, or a release of guilt that they all seem to carry. But he does think that fighting over what has already been done and decided is a moot point by now.

Seokjin snorts. “Hobi cried like a newborn, you traumatized us so much. But it’s ok, we can forgive you for that because you came back in one piece. Or so it looks like.”

Taehyung’s hand has found it’s way into Jimin’s, the other’s fingers tight with what Jimin thinks might be desperation as they hold on. He had wanted to hurt them back and managed. But as good as that momentary vindication had been, the realization of how low he could fall is stronger, makes Jimin feel ashamed of himself. It’s fine now, though. It doesn’t matter anymore.

“I think I saw a few tables while coming here, maybe we can go and sit down? Since it’s nice out.” Namjoon nods towards somewhere behind him, not entirely sure.

Jimin leans a little to one side in order to see behind his friend. “Yeah, there should have been some. But there is a better place as well, under a couple of trees, so that there is some shadow.” He takes the lead, not letting go of Taehyung’s hand.

Sitting down is still just as uncomfortable as it is doing anything else with broken ribs. Jimin only makes a face during the process, but Seokjin picks up on that with the experience of a medic anyway. 

“Ribs, huh?” The oldest of them all comments in-between Namjoon’s commentary about the castle.

Jimin nods. “Two ribs, a large cut on the side and then some small stuff. I got sorted out by the field medics right on the spot, now it’s just making sure no infection sets in where the stitches are.” He exhales a long breath. “Where’s everyone else?”

“Mhmm, nothing else to do with that, really. Still, I hear from the scouts back in the hospital that getting that little is pretty lucky on the first run.” Seokjin puts his bag on the table and starts pulling out food – nothing much, just some neatly packed snacks. “Hoseok couldn’t get off. There’s a virus going through the locals and the police, plus we got some critical scout patients from this expedition in as well.”

Namjoon is already reaching for a pack of sandwiches as he adds on, “Same with us. So many are down that it’s hard to get days off now. Besides, the other three came the first time, now it was our turn.” He’s halfway through the sandwich already, which makes it hard to understand what he’s saying.

Taehyung still looks not entirely okay. But he does gather himself together and at least tries to pretend that he had not been as affected as Jimin knows he was. “Kook wanted to know your kill count. Of, of titans.”

Jimin nibbles on some cookies that have survived the trip to here in one piece. He still keeps on holding onto Taehyung’s hand, doesn’t want to let go, not if he doesn’t have to. “Ah, uh, three. I helped with some others, like a distraction, but just three on my own.”

He’s about to mention Alexander, the way their sort-of friend had fought before being bitten clean in half, but thinks better of it. It’s not the time or place to speak about a death like that, not when his friends were not sure about his survival until a few minutes ago. Besides, Alexander deserves to be more than a by the way mention during their chats, like his memory is only worth that much. 

“How is it, the outside?” It’s Namjoon who asks, surprisingly.

Jimin thinks about this for a moment, unsure how to answer. “Empty.” He settles on, then tries to elaborate, “I mean, there are old houses here and there and even this time others found some old things lying around, things that I had never seen before. But it’s just so… vast and empty. The sunset was so beautiful there, though.”

“So… if there are houses there… then, then the rumors might be true?” Taehyung’s voice is very quiet.

They all know what happens to those who question the status quo of their history, the king’s words and truth. It’s a poorly kept secret that the Military Police have their hand in making sure that those who question the supposed facts too loudly, or go against the defined truths openly either suddenly change their minds or disappear. As soldiers their thoughts and theories are even more so best kept to themselves.

Seokjin is looking around them inconspicuously, despite the fact that the closest scouts are hanging around by the castle, a good distance away. “Maybe, maybe not. Better not to think about it.”

It’s a clear admonishment without being clearly put as one. Taehyung bites his lip and looks down, eyebrows furrowed. He had always been a believer of there being more behind the walls than just titans, just not a firm enough one to risk his own life for those beliefs. And his parents hope more for the salary of a Military Police recruit than for their son to die a useless death.

In a bid to change the topic to something other, less controversial, Namjoon clears his throat and asks about commander Erwin’s formations and tactics for traversing the outside world. Jimin divulges this information gladly, though he does throw worried glances at his best friend from time to time, unsure if Taehyung has become unusually quiet because of where their talk had steered into, or something else.

When it’s time to leave Taehyung stays behind for a little. He turns to Jimin, takes his face in hands and just looks. 

“I’m sorry.” Jimin whispers.

“You came back. I don’t care about anything else.” Taehyung says, licks his lips. “I hope you always come back. Here, to me. Whenever I am and will be.”

Jimin reaches out to hold onto Taehyung’s wrists. He feels the bracelets looped around them, so familiar. “I would always come back to you, you know that, Tae. Just for you.” Jimin doesn’t know why this comes out as a confession. Maybe it’s been a long time coming, maybe a confirmation for something that’s already been a fact.

The kiss that follows takes Jimin by surprise. He gapes up at his best friend, still unsure if the pressure against his lips had been real since it happened so quickly. There’s something pleading in Taehyung’s eyes, something old and deep, overwhelming. He doesn’t smile, just nods and doesn’t let go of Jimin’s face just yet.

“Yeah, I know.” Taehyung confirms. He hesitates, looks back to Seokjin and Namjoon, then finally lets his hands drop. “Think about that, please.”

Jimin watches his best friend run away from him. Taehyung’s hair is longer than it had been during their graduation. His shoes are still untied and somehow don’t fall off his feet. The back of the man’s neck has turned pink.

Jimin touches his lips as if in trance and thinks, like he had been asked to. He can taste Taehyung on his tongue when he licks his lips. So he swallows it down and keeps it inside, where the echo of Taehyung will be safe as Jimin thinks and tries to decide on something big and important yet again. Only this seems even harder than putting his name down on the list of new Survey Corp recruits had been.

…

Jimin tries to think about Taehyung as much as he can. Tries to see how and where their relationship could go, if it does grow into more. He tries, he really does, but then comes a letter from his mother – accusatory and blaming, a mother’s anguish, pain and hopelessness after seeing what her only child has decided to do with his life put into words.

Perhaps it’s fear and shame that doesn’t allow Jimin to reply to this letter at all.

“Ah, you got one of those for the first time, huh, Park?” Hannika slams her tray of dinner down on the table and then plops on the chair herself. Her hair is put up in a messy bun, face red and sweaty from whatever she had been doing before dinner, “The first letter from home, everything is bad and all that shit.”

For a moment Jimin is a little too surprised to reply, but shakes himself out of it soon enough. “Kind of. My mother found out I was a part of this only when I rode through our village.” He folds the letter back up and tucks it in the front pocket of his uniform, where it will be safe.

Hannika whistles. “Damn, newbie, that takes balls. But honestly, I’m pretty sure most of us suicidal crazies here have done that. One guy from my own team is still lying to his old ma and telling that poor woman that he’s up on the walls and scratching his balls all day.” She’s snickering as she cuts up meat and potatoes into smaller pieces.

It seems like an obvious thing that would happen with the reputation that haunts the Survey Corps, but actually hearing about it like this, as if it’s less of a move of cowardice and more like an inside joke, makes Jimin realize that he really is the same as the majority of these guys here. In terms of how they deal with telling their families and friends about their choices, at the least. It does make him feel better, even if he doubts that he will manage to write a reply to his mother anytime soon.

“I figured that the less she knows, the less I will need to hear about it. Or deal with guilt tripping.” Jimin picks up his bowl of now cold soup and sips at it.

“Sounds about right. I’m pretty sure I gave my mother a heart-attack when I showed up home for my long leave a year after joining this place with new, giant teeth marks all over my arm. I got grounded!” Hannika licks sauce from the corner of her mouth. She’s much more relaxed here, looser with how her whole body moves as she speaks.

Someone else joins them then – Nanaba. 

The vice-captain of Mike’s team is calmer and more collected than Hannika, though the glint in her eyes is one that Jimin might fear more. He’s learned from playing around with his friends when they were all just barely out of toddler-years that the quiet ones are the most dangerous ones, usually. But right now, Nanaba just smiles and gently pushes Hannika’s feet off from the long chair.

“I’ve come to save you from this menace, Park.” Nanaba gestures towards Hannika with her fork, then stabs a potato with it. “And I’d advise to forget whatever she told you. Nothing good ever comes from this one.”

“ _Psh_ , says _you_. Don’t trust her, she’s just as,” Hannika makes a high-pitched whistling noise as she wiggles a finger near her own temple, “as the rest of us. You don’t get vice-captain just for pretty eyes alone, you know?”

Jimin can’t help but try and hide his laughter behind his palm, in case the two ladies before him take it to heart. But it doesn’t seem to be the case, as Nanaba joins in, although it’s quite obvious that she’s also kicking at Hannika’s legs under the table. Quite painfully at that.

After a sip of his water Jimin is calm enough to talk again. “Hannika has been very nice to me.”

Nanaba’s smile shifts to something softer, kinder. “I’m glad to hear that. It seemed like Alexander was the only one you were really close here, so we were worried you’d take his death… hard. I’m glad you’re fine, as much as one can be while part of the scouts.”

“Way to make it depressing, Nan’s. But don’t worry newbie, big sister here will take you under her wing. Gonna make sure you don’t kick the bucket out of boredom in-between expeditions.” Hannika grins wide and it makes her whole face younger, light up. It’s only now that Jimin finally notices a light scar that runs along her jaw.

Nanaba rolls her eyes. “I’m sure the last thing Jimin needs is a big sister like you.”

“Uh, I mean, I don’t mind. She seems fun and I don’t have many friends here yet.” Jimin pushes away his empty plates far enough to put his arms on the table, so that he can lean in closer and hear the two women better over the sound of a busy dining hall. “And that move she did when killing a titan on the way back to the walls was pretty cool and I want her to show it to me.”

“Buttering her up to learn her secrets? Smart lad.” Nanaba winks at Jimin. 

Hannika has her lips pursed in mock-offence. “Damn newbie, using me like this. My good heart and soul, my bleedin’ feelings for what I thought was a poor brat having problems. Cold, Park, so cold.”

Jimin can’t hold his giggles in and leans his whole upper body on the table, doesn’t bother to be quiet or stop the shaking of his shoulders. There is a hand in his hair, ruffling roughly, but not painfully. Hannika’s boot touches the tip of his own under the table, a sign of all of this only being jokes and nothing to take too seriously. It’s nice, this kind of easy camaraderie.

…

It’s been almost three weeks gone and Jimin has an answer to give to Taehyung.

This answer is not something that he feels should be said in a letter that might be lost or read by others. Especially in the places that they have chosen to work in, especially when Taehyung is a part of the Military Police and Jimin is a member of the one division that is the biggest threat to the truth that the men of the Military Police are trying to enforce.

Jimin shivers when he hears the tell-tale sniff of his own team captain so close to his right ear. He doesn’t jump though, not this time.

“You smell weird.” Mike says, pauses to level Jimin with a heavy look, then continues as if he hadn’t said anything, “You’ll be coming with me to Stohess tomorrow. Get your cleanest uniform ready.”

“Stohess, sir?” Jimin hurries to catch up with his captain. “Am I even qualified to go?”

Mike snorts. “The puppies know we’re far more skilled than they are, so we tend to take the on paper injured, but actually pretty much healed guys with us. You’re pretty much healed, but they don’t know that. _And_ , you’re one of the few surviving newbies of this year.” The man stops in the middle of the hallway and sniffs the air, hums, turns left and continues on with his stride.

This is probably the most Jimin has heard the man speak in a while, ever since the expedition. It still feels strange to sometimes speak with Mike as if they are of almost equal status, the captain not requiring a salute at all and waving away any other formalities besides a sir here and there, unless some other high-standing military officer is close by, be it someone not as close to him from within the scouts or other divisions, however rarely that might happen.

“I see. Is there anything specific I should know about this trip?” Jimin is panting slightly as he follows Mike, though tries to hide that. 

“Not really. Erwin will probably give a speech to all of us before leaving anyway.”

Mike stops before a rather unassuming door in this seemingly deserted hallway. Jimin has never walked down here as he hadn’t had the need to, nor the want. Getting lost in the castle is a fear that does not leave even after spending months here by this point.

Jimin looks around him, eyebrows furrowed when he notices that the both of them are truly the only ones around. When he turns back to Mike, however, the man has already gotten the doors open and has disappeared into the room. Jimin stands outside, feeling a little like a watchout for something not exactly legal, fidgeting just slightly.

Mike comes out with empty hands, but a strange and suspicious bump under his jacket. He closes the door, turns towards Jimin and makes a shushing motion. A secret between the two of them alone. As if being rewarded for keeping quiet on this, whatever it may be, Mike hands Jimin a chocolate and winks before walking away.

The chocolate is bitter and the best thing Jimin has eaten in a long while.

Commander Erwin does give a small speech to those who are leaving for Stohess the next day. Jimin stands in the room with a few other people, most noticeable ones being captains Levi and Hanji. He has never been even this close to the two and has always been a little bit scared of them, for different reasons. Levi because the man is a monster among humans and Hanji because everyone agrees that she has a brilliant mind, but combined with a fanatic craziness that she leans into willingly.

“Once again, as every year we do this ass kissing parade – do not admit to anything if asked, keep quiet and smile when appropriate. We’re only there to pretend that we’re not a threat to their status quo and to get the funding we need.” Erwin pauses very tellingly upon Hanji and Levi as the silence stretches out, “For the most part I will be doing the talking and the rest only need to be around to look dependable and make an impression on the rich idiots. We’re leaving in an hour.”

Jimin leaves with all the low-ranking soldiers, but not quickly enough to miss the start of Levi’s annoyed and slightly angry-sounding retort. He quickly closes the door before hearing anything else and walks back to his barracks to get his cape before heading down to the stables.

Stohess is a beautiful city. Beautiful and fake, if one were to ask Jimin.

The meetings are to happen later that evening, though there is no free time for the scouts. Jimin follows the senior officers, walking as tall and proudly as he can, the wings fluttering against his back with every movement. Being even this close to the echelon of Survey Corps makes him feel important as well, valuable even if he is just one of the many and not at all special in any way.

Jimin can barely conceal the surprise and then the disgust from his face when he finally gets to come face-to-face with how the rich live their lives, the luxury that they chose to wrap themselves in just because they can. He breathes through the acidic hatred and puts on a face of nothing, even manages to offer a smile if anyone bothers to pay attention to him.

Mike throws Jimin a small nod during a moment of peace.

The Garrison group of soldiers is already here. Jimin doesn’t know anyone from them, but does introduce himself to some of the younger looking soldiers with the rose emblem on their back. The couple of people that he gets to talk to are jovial and in a good mood, although they do seem somewhat awkward being here as well.

When the Military Police arrives, together with the rich that the divisions need to try and impress, everyone present stands at attention. No salutes are thrown, but the soldiers all stand straighter and quietly greet the newcomers. Jimin catches the eye of Yoongi and Jungkook among the Military Police attendees, so he nods ever so slightly at his friends before joining the rest of the scouts at their designated table, away from the higher-ranking soldiers and the wealthy donors.

“Holy fuck.” Jimin whispers as quietly as he can as he tries the food put in front of him. “This is what they eat all the time?”

One of the Garrison guys leans in with a nod. “Yeap. And this isn’t even the best that they have.”

Once the meal is done it’s time for drinks. Jimin hangs back from the main crowd and simply stands on the side, holding the glass of alcohol that had been given to him, but doesn’t drink from it. It just doesn’t feel safe enough here, surrounded by all this excess and money and fake hospitality. 

“Long time no see, Jimin.”

Jimin glances to the side where Yoongi has come to stand next to him, leaning against the wall. He smiles the first real smile of the evening. “Hey. Long time no see indeed.”

“I heard from the other guys about your adventures outside the walls.” Yoongi sips from his own glass, sighs. “I’m glad you’re back safe.” The softness that laces his words is something that brings back many fond memories.

“Yeah. I’m glad as well. It was more that I had thought it would be.” Jimin sighs. He doesn’t really want to talk about it here. 

Yoongi seems to be of the same opinion as he swiftly changes the topic. “Jungkook is somewhere around here, though he’s assigned as a personal guard to this one woman, so we might not get to see much of him tonight. Lucky kid. He’s so popular with the ladies.”

“He always was.” Jimin laughs a little, even if there isn’t anything to laugh about. “Our Kookie’s bright and skilled, there is no one around that he can’t charm.”

“Oh? You’re actually admitting that now? How times change.” Yoongi empties his glass and gives it to a passing servant. With his hands now empty he pushes them in the pockets of his pants, appearing deceivingly relaxed and unprepared.

Jimin swirls the bubbly alcohol in this glass in a shaky circle for a moment. He feels far too hot in his cape, but doesn’t want to take it off. It’s his armor for the evening, the one thing that seems to weigh him down into the kind of calmness that would seem almost impossible for the situation. “Well, have to admit defeat at some point. After all, look where he is now and where I am.”

Yoongi finally looks at Jimin, properly. There is something calculating in the man’s gaze, his eyes looking far deeper into Jimin than he feels comfortable with. But Yoongi has always been like this, so it’s not anything new. Namjoon is the smart one, the rock that analyzed the situation and gave the best variables on how to go. But the heaviest and truest advice has always come from Yoongi. It’s easy to look past Yoongi’s quietness and take it as disinterest, when really it’s the opposite of that.

“You’re amazing in your own right, Jimin. And braver than anyone else from our group. Just look where you went to willingly.” Yoongi sighs, smiles a little, “I was wrong, you know, back in that café. You’re not out of your mind, not when you chose freedom over _this_.”

It’s hard to tell what this is meant to be, but Jimin doesn’t question it. He takes it for what it is at this very second and wants to reach out to Yoongi, wants to pull the other man close to himself and hug him, offer some kind of physical reassurance that Jimin understands and appreciates. 

“Thank you.”

“I don’t think Taehyung is happy with us, though.” Yoongi suddenly says, much quieter than before. Careful and looking around in a way that implies that he’s being careful with the volume of his voice and the words that he chooses to use. “I think he’s… conflicted about things. So, if you can, maybe try and talk to him like you two usually would? He should be on duty tomorrow by the gates, but maybe sometime after that could work.”

Jimin swallows the saliva that has gathered in his mouth and nods. 

There is a message in Yoongi’s words, double meanings and hints that Jimin’s not sure he got, but the main and most important thing is simple. He needs to speak with Taehyung, and he can do it tomorrow. Perhaps not in words, but with a message passed on in secret, straight to Taehyung’s own hands without any middlemen that might meddle and see things not for their own eyes.

“I might send a letter if I miss him then. Perhaps he’s just down because he hasn’t been back home yet, you know how he gets about family.” Jimin finally puts his glass down onto a small table close by, tired of holding it. 

Yoongi hums. “Yeah, kid is a real momma’s boy.” He mutters a curse under his nose right after, eyes narrowing ever so slightly when someone from the Military Police waves his way. “Ah, shit, I need to go. It was good to see you, Jimin. The last time we met wasn’t, you know, so… Yeah.”

Jimin shakes Yoongi’s hand before the other leaves and slips the note passed to him under the sleeve of his jacket as quickly as he can. The cape helps to hide the action in case he doesn’t manage to be as smooth as he thinks he might be. Perhaps luckily Erwin also has broken away from the crowd and now is looking towards the scouts with an expectant air around him.

The evening has finally ended and Jimin feels drained.

…

As they stop by the gates in the morning Jimin gets to greet and speak with Taehyung briefly enough to pass his own note to the other man. There is a strange dullness to Taehyung. It’s entirely out of place and foreign on Jimin’s best friend, for the other has always been full of life and a kind of brightness that always, always took Jimin’s breath away.

It’s now, as Jimin rides out of Stohess, that he understands the note written in Yoongi’s slanted handwriting that he had read last night, back in their accommodations. But Jimin’s not sure if Taehyung will truly be happier with him, written off as someone that will die early on and whose body might not even be brought back to be laid to rest within the walls.

….

There is another period of silence for two weeks as Jimin gets back into daily drills and waits for something to come from one of his friends. From Taehyung.

With more than a month having spent not doing much Jimin struggles to get back into it the first couple of days, but soon the soreness of tired muscles and bruised skin settle back into his daily routine as if they had never left. At the end of the day Jimin massages a cooling salve into his aching bruises, the spots where his skin has been rubbed raw from the leather straps, carefully washes out whatever other injuries he might have gotten after a spar or two.

The routine ends when Jimin is called to commander Erwin’s office. Which, while not that strange, still feels so.

Hannika raises one eyebrow at Jimin, her hands busy mixing cards for the next round they were about to play. “Oh, what’s this? Got in trouble? Got caught with someone behind the stables and with your pants down? Fess up, Park, I wanna know!”

“Shut up ‘n deal.” Roberts grumbles.

There are many empty bottles of alcohol around them, most of which had been made by the soldiers themselves in order to conserve their funds and have something to do outside of the usual division activities. Jimin isn’t quite sure on the details and whether this has actually been approved by commander Erwin, but he also doesn’t want to ask. Better to play ignorant in case this actually is something questionable.

Hannika blows a raspberry towards Roberts. She’s fairly tipsy by now, flushed a light pink. “Shut up, you old fart. I will deal when I wan’ to and you can’t make me do _shit_.” She waves the pack of cards around for a little bit.

Jimin uses this chance to leave before the attention is onto him again. 

Meanwhile, Roberts lets out an annoyed sigh before replying, “I’m not the one sleepin’ with this old fart, Berger, so shut up and deal already, you drunk woman.”

On his way out Jimin almost runs into the doorway, though masks it rather well as having almost tripped over an empty bottle left in the middle of the room. No one pays him any attention either way, already pulled into a round of jokes as Hannika has finally started to deal out the cards. The chatter of the people soon fades and Jimin is left with only the echo of his own footsteps.

Soon Jimin knocks on the door of commander Erwin’s office.

“Sir.” Jimin raises his arms for the salute, but Erwin waves that away. He hesitates for a moment, then just decides to stand by the door. “You called for me?” It’s then that he notices someone else is in the room.

Taehyung has half-turned towards Jimin. His hair having been pulled up into a loose ponytail is what Jimin notices first. The black rings under the man’s eyes come next, after which Jimin finally takes in the civilian clothes and the bag dropped on the floor.

“Jimin, thank you for coming. I thought it would be better to have someone familiar guide our new transfer around the base. At least to the barracks, since it’s too late today for a complete tour.” Erwin is open and friendly now, unlike how he tends to be during important meetings or announcements. The commander even sighs as he looks down at the documents before him, “Now I need to deal with this reply to Nile. What a pain.”

Taehyung jumps at the mention of his previous commander and flushes, seemingly almost shy for being the reason for more paperwork. “I’m sorry.”

Erwin glances back up at Taehyung briefly and chuckles. “Nothing to apologize for. I’m sure Nile is simply annoyed that he lost a skilled man to my, now our, tiny group. Not the first time it has happened, as surprising as that may seem. Now, however, Park please take your friend to the barracks. Whichever bed is free should be fine.”

“Yes, sir.” Jimin just nods this time.

He waits until they are a fair distance away from commander Erwin’s office and alone enough to turn towards Taehyung and pull him into a hug. Taehyung sags into his arms, winds his own tightly around Jimin in return and shudders. It may not have been that long, but it feels like it has. Jimin clutches onto the rough material of Taehyung’s shirt and tries to pull the man even closer, as close as he possibly can. 

“Jiminie, my Jiminie. Fuck, I actually did it.” Taehyung whispers, his voice trembling and wobbling, as if he’s close to tears.

Jimin pulls away just far enough to look his friend in the eyes, to reach out and swipe his thumbs under Taehyung’s eyes to try and catch any tears that might fall. “Tae, my Tae. You crazy, crazy idiot. I didn’t write that to you to make you come here and join me. I didn’t want you to leave the Police. How will I look your mother in the eye now, huh?”

“I just want to be with you. I don’t care where; I just want to be with you. I wasn’t happy there, not like Namjoon, or Yoongi, or even Jungkook are. Not without you, not when it wasn’t how they told me it would be.” Taehyung’s voice shudders and he sniffs loudly, swallows. He leans into Jimin’s touch like a cat starved for attention.

Jimin breathes in and he knows it’s a shuddery thing since he barely holds it together himself. He didn’t want to be selfish and ask Taehyung for this. He was fine with going out and never coming back, of coming back and then living out the rest of his life as a cripple. But Jimin did not want to ask the same of Taehyung. Not the Taehyung that only joined the military because almost all of his friends did, because his parents thought that it would be better for him, more money to come back to them. 

“I can’t believe you.” Jimin laughs despite everything. As selfish as it may be of him, he’s so incredibly happy to have Taehyung here, in the end. So close now. “My idiot.”

“Yours, only yours.” Taehyung leans in and gently taps his forehead against Jimin’s.

They untangle from each other soon enough and gather Taehyung’s one bag from the floor. Jimin leads him down corridors and through doors, towards the rooms that have been given to the youngest of the recruits. There aren’t many there now, not as it had been right after joining. The beds are empty as everyone is still awake and outside, spending what little free time they have however they wish to.

“The beds next to me are both taken, but those three, near the back are all empty. And on this side some as well.” Jimin gestures as he speaks, one hand still clasped with Taehyung’s. “You can choose whichever, like the commander said. Not sure if it’s as good as you might have had in Police barracks, but the mattresses are nice and the blankets soft, so.”

“Looks pretty much the same really.” Taehyung still sounds nasally, even though he didn’t cry.

Taehyung just throws his bag onto the bed, then turns right around and pulls Jimin down on the mattress with him. They bounce a little as they fall onto it, once again wrapped up in each other, as if they are kids having sleepovers at each other’s house like old times. Jimin lays his head on Taehyung’s chest and closes his eyes to listen to the heartbeat that drums away, steady and sure.

“I’m scared.” Taehyung says and his words rumble in his chest like thunder.

Jimin hums. “Me too. For you, of losing you now. But I’m also so relieved to have you here.” There are fingers in his hair now, gently pulling on messy strands or just scratching at his scalp. 

“When you sent us that letter before you went outside… That was the most terrifying moment of my life so far. I kept having nightmares about you never coming back.” Taehyung breathes in deep as he pauses. “I can’t go through that again, not after that… that thing that I did. So, here I am.”

Despite everything Jimin finds himself laughing. He is so helplessly endeared and in love with Taehyung. “This is the greatest confession ever, I think.” Jimin curls himself around Taehyung and pretends for a moment that they are somewhere far away from reality, from duty and the dangers to come.

Taehyung doesn’t say anything in return, but his heart does start to beat faster. Jimin smiles against the scratchy shirt under his cheek and keeps quiet as well, choosing to get as much as he can from this moment of peace and quiet, of this time alone, as he can.

…

Taehyung takes to Survey Corps like a fish to water.

Jimin knows he shouldn’t be as surprised as he is. His best friend has always made others fall a little bit in love with him, has always had this magnetic pull that turns everyone he meets into his friends. There is just something so good about seeing Taehyung laugh with his whole self, surrounded by women and men that laugh with him, all in different states of dirty and sweaty.

Someone grabs one of Jimin’s straps suddenly and pulls it back as far as it goes and then let’s go. Jimin yelps at the muted slap against his back – more out of surprise than any real pain. He turns around only to come face to face with a grinning Hannika, her ginger hair messy and full with leaves, one half of her whole body covered in wet dirt.

“What…. What even happened to you?” Jimin can’t help but ask.

Hannika grins wider. “Fell in a tree, then tumbled down into some mud puddle, the usual. But, that’s not why I’m here.” She throws her arm around Jimin’s shoulders and forcefully turns him around so that they both have a full view of Taehyung and his newly appointed team. “I wanna know about that guy.”

“I’m suspicious of you.” Jimin tells her bluntly. 

Perhaps sensing that he is being watched, Taehyung turns their way as well. He waves at them first, then jogs up to them, the upper part of the leather harness bounding along as the man has left is undone. Jimin can’t help the fond chuckle that he makes.

“Hello, I’m Taehyung! Jimin wrote and told me about you!” Taehyung greets once he is close enough. He’s no longer breathing heavily from the workout he had been put through, but his skin is still flushed and sweaty.

Hannika wiggles her fingers a little in an imitation of a wave. “That’s nice. Now tell me, kid, why would you leave the faithful dog position for our humble little group? I’ve heard the salary there is incentive enough to pretend to give a fuck about the rich bastards?”

Jimin groans. “By the Walls.”

“Shush, Park. These are serious questions. No one sane would make this switch.” Hannika pauses, then gives Taehyung a narrow-eyed stare, assessing him. “Unless you’re not that sane. Which wouldn’t be that out of the ordinary here since we have captain Hanji and that shorty monster among us.”

Jimin groans even louder than before, thanking all the stars above that captain Levi is not around to hear any of this. He doesn’t even want to imagine what would happen to them if the formidable Humanity’s Strongest was to catch them talking shit about him like this. Even if Nanaba had assured him once that Levi is not that bad overall, Jimin still knows better to not get on the man’s bad side.

Taehyung swallows, blinks. “I just wanted to be with Jimin.”

The sincerity of the statement makes Jimin blush. He looks away, hoping that the evening sun has sunk low enough behind the horizon now to mask the pink of his face, even if he knows that it’s a foolish thing to hope for.

Hannika makes a long _aaaaah_ sound. She then pulls her arm back and slaps Jimin on the back far harder than he thought the woman is capable of. “I see how it is. Well, boys, the punishment for being caught naked and mid-fornication with a fellow scout is a week of horse shit shuffling, or cleaning the shitters. Be careful my young and virile men, be very careful. _And_ , if you’re given the choice, pick the horse shit, advice from experience.”

Jimin watches the woman leave with his mouth slightly open from shock. Taehyung, though, is giggling and waving at Hannika’s retreating back.

“I am mortified.” Jimin whispers. He hides his face in his palms.

Now next to him, Taehyung just hums. His fingers tug lightly on the pocket of Jimin’s pants. “It is good advice, though. If we do get that far, and stuff. You know?”

Jimin peeks over the top of his fingers at Taehyung. His beautiful Taehyung, sweaty and dirty, but still so radiant, so careful and attentive. Jimin smiles and he knows that the other man can tell with how his cheeks bunch up and eyes squint a little. “I love you.” He says, words muffled by the palms of his hands.

It takes a moment for the words to register, but when they do Taehyung reacts with his whole face. His eyes widen and his mouth goes slack, eyebrows going up just a little. It’s a funny face and Jimin snickers a little, uncaring that there are still people around that might look at them and think they are weird, or maybe even judge them. But it doesn’t matter. Nothing else but this matters at the moment.

“Fuck.” Taehyung blinks once, runs a hand through his damp hair. “ _Fuck_. I knew, but hearing… Hearing is different.”

“Yeah, yeah it is.”

Jimin’s not sure why he said those words so suddenly, so out of nowhere, especially just after the mess that Hannika left them with. But maybe they don’t need a special moment, a fanfare and a celebration. Jimin has known all this time that Taehyung is more than a best friend for him. And Taehyung had known as well, surely, but chose to stay as quiet as Jimin had. 

There is now a real possibility that they don’t have long together. With both of them being a part of Survey Corps the chances of living a long life well into their senior years is an unstable dream at best and maybe that’s what made Jimin just say it. Knowing is better than guessing and living with that has already become familiar. Taehyung showed his _I love you_ by coming here to be with him, so the least Jimin can do is voice his feelings with words.

…

While large-scale expeditions are not missions that happen often, the Survey Corps soldiers do go out on smaller, quicker tasks to kill off the titans that have gathered around one of the four districts of Wall Maria. The Garrison then uses the chance to both provide backup with cannons and inspect the outer parts of the walls for any possible damage. If there is any then it will be patched up during this time as well.

Jimin stays behind at the headquarters, same as before the expedition, when one such mission is announced by Erwin. Taehyung’s team, however, is tasked to go out and take care of the problem.

“It’s not Shiganshina, but the district on the East of it. It’s usually pretty tame there, no?” Taehyung whispers to Jimin, his eyes bright even in the darkness of the night.

“Yeah, but it doesn’t mean they aren’t dangerous.” Jimin whispers back. He pushes his hand into Taehyung’s and holds on as tightly as he can. “Be safe anyway, okay? And come back.”

There isn’t as much danger to these missions as there is to the large-scale expeditions, but people die during them anyway. There is no cover right next to the wall, no trees that could be used as anchors for their hooks or as a place to hide. Just a long stretch of green fields and the tall wall that keeps what is left of humanity safe from the monsters that wish to devour them.

Taehyung’s sleep shirt is so loose that when he leans in his chest can be seen from the gap that opens. “You came back from something much more than this, Jiminie. I’ll be okay, my captain said I’m not half-bad.”

Jimin can smell soap on Taehyung’s skin, the lingering aroma of hay, the sour sweat stench that has soaked into every corner of their barracks from the many bodies sleeping here, some too exhausted to wash every day after their duties. Jimin doesn’t mind, has long since gotten used to all of these smells. But not to Taehyung, the musk of man that clings onto the other, the lingering sense of home.

“I can still worry.” Jimin finally says and his lips are close enough to Taehyung’s to taste the other man in his mouth. Jimin _wants_. He wants so much.

As if reading his mind Taehyung just laughs, low and raspy, as he leans in for a kiss. It’s quiet between them, as quiet as they can be when trying to be discreet in a room filled with other men, all asleep, but close enough and seen enough that even the loudest sudden sound would wake them up instantly. 

The kiss starts simple – with only the lips. Then Taehyung swipes his tongue against Jimin’s lips in a wordless plea for more. Jimin sighs, opens his mouth, but it’s he that takes Taehyung by surprise with a touch the other surely did not expect. The feel of tongue against tongue is not exactly arousing, but Jimin loves the shiver that runs across the other man's whole body due to it. He holds onto Taehyung’s hips and tries not to moan.

When they break apart Taehyung is panting just so. He grins, wide and childish, as if they were still in their childhood village, hidden under blankets and not barely holding it together in a shared barrack room.

“When I come back, I will want more of that.” Taehyung whispers against Jimin’s neck, right above the kiss that he has left there.

Jimin wants to laugh. He wants to do anything but stay as quiet as he can and pretend that his heart is not beating out of his chest with want. “Sure, why not.”

The next morning a group of scouts leaves for the affected district in a far more cheerful mood than the one that had settled over Jimin and the rest when they waited for the start of their expedition. Taehyung is near the side and at the end of the group and even from his spot Jimin can see the man’s nervous ticks, though they ease up as soon as someone pulls him into a discussion. Before leaving Taehyung does look Jimin’s way and seems to open his mouth, ready to say something, but then just shakes his head and waves.

Jimin understands. He waves back and turns around to get back to his duties for the day.

…

It takes a while for the group to return. The distance between the Survey Corps headquarters and the west district is bigger than the one between them and Shiganshina, so Jimin’s isn’t worried. Much.

Still, apart from daily drills and general equipment maintenance there isn’t much to do in the base. With commander Erwin once again gone to the capital most everyone slack off more, Jimin included. While he doesn’t outright skip all the duties of the day, Jimin does go easier on himself during them.

When the group returns it’s without much fanfare, but the greeting whoops are loud enough to gather the attention of those closest to the gates.

Jimin runs up to the returned scouts in order to gather some of the horses and lead them to the stables in place of the tired women and men, though his main priority is looking for Taehyung. He does so as discreetly as he can while around him the chatter of catching up and gossip floats around loudly. The horses whose reins he is holding into neigh in impatience and tiredness.

Taehyung shows up as Jimin is halfway back to the stables. 

“I killed a whole titan, Jimin!” Taehyung’s eyes are strangely wide, hands caught in a constant movement as he speaks. “I mean, there were quite a lot and I was scared at first, but—I mean, the vice-captain of my team talked me through it and I did assists and then killed one on my own. It was, they are so, so big.”

Jimin knows. He knows very well the first impression of the titans. There are still nightmares that he wakes up from where it’s him that ends up in their mouths and is torn apart, swallowed down into the black nothing of their bloated bellies. 

“I’m proud of you, Tae.” 

The horses are tied up in their respective stalls and Jimin first gets them water to drink, then picks up the brushes to clean the animals with. Taehyung has sat down on one of the hay bales in the meantime, strangely quiet. Jimin lets the man be for now, knowing well that sometimes Taehyung needs to process things on his own, no matter however long it may take.

“From atop the wall the world looked so vast.” Taehyung finally breathes.

Jimin nods to another soldier that comes in to take care of the two horses that she has brought back. He glances at Taehyung from the corner of his eye, “It really is. It’s almost strange to know that there is so much of it and we are unable to go anywhere.”

It’s a quiet revelation that Jimin has come to after the expedition. The _unfairness_ of it all. All of them, all of humanity, is stuck in three giant walls while outside of them there is unattainable freedom just because of some mindless monsters. It’s like they are being punished for daring to live, to hope for being able to go there one day.

“I get you now, you know? Why you wanted to join this division.” Taehyung slurs.

Jimin startles, having lost the sense of time as he brushes off the horses. He looks towards his best friend and finds him asleep, slumped against the unused hay and wrapped up in his own cape. The other soldiers that have come in during the time share amused glances, some even laugh as they tend to their own horses in the stalls.

Fondly Jimin shakes his head and gets back to the horse now whining impatiently by his side.

Getting Taehyung back to the barracks is a task in itself, but by now Jimin has put on the muscle mass needed to carry someone taller than himself with minimal struggle. By the time Jimin makes it back to the still half-empty room there is a warm spot of saliva on his shoulder and Taehyung’s low snores have gone from kind of cute to somewhat annoying, especially when they rumble so close to Jimin’s ear.

“We were looking for this one.” A senior soldier steps inside the room, uncaring of the half-naked men around her. She’s one of the few medics that lives in the headquarters permanently, caring for those that come back with manageable injuries. “He’s supposedly fine, but I need to do a checkup anyway.”

“Yeah, of course. I don’t think he’ll wake up though.”

The medic snorts and unceremoniously starts checking Taehyung’s arms for any bone breaks or sore spots. “Don’t worry, it’s not the first time this happens. They usually whine in their sleep if something is especially painful, so.” 

Since the only sounds that Taehyung does make are displeased little whines when he’s moved too much the medic deems him good enough and leaves. Jimin takes off the man’s boots and leather harness, drapes the blanket over him and leaves Taehyung to his well-deserved sleep.

It’s almost midday that Taehyung shows up again. He’s sleep ruffled, hair a complete mess, but eyes bright. Jimin barely gets a cut-off _hey_ out before he is taken by the hand and pulled somewhere. Worried, Jimin looks around, but once he finds that no one is paying any attention to them, he relaxes and goes with whatever Taehyung has planned.

Jimin ends up with his back pressed against the wall of an unused room, spiderwebs tangled his hair. He sighs, lets his palm rest on Taehyung’s hip as the other looks at him like a beast starved.

“I was promised more kisses when I come back.” Taehyung says. His voice is still sleep-deep and rough.

“Well, I’m not the one that fell asleep yesterday.” Jimin shoots back, teasing. He lets his palm slide around Taehyung’s side, then lower, so that it settles on the soft swell of the man’s ass. “That was all you, darling.”

The change in Taehyung is instantaneous. He goes from this heavy-lidded, wanting beast to a wide-eyed and blushing, cute thing that seems lost for words. Perhaps it’s Jimin’s hand, or maybe the nickname that has slipped out so easily, but Jimin likes this change. He wants to see more, to check if Taehyung blushes down to his chest as well, if he whines and tries to hide when properly embarrassed.

With his voice still so rough the rumble that slips past Taehyung’s lips is so sexy. “Jiminie, _stop_.”

“Hmmm, no.”

Jimin pulls Taehyung closer to him with the hold that he has on the man’s ass, opens his mouth and bites lightly on the soft, smooth skin of the other’s neck. There is a sharp intake of breath by his ear, a sigh that follows when he licks at the shallow indents left by his teeth.

“I can’t believe you.” Taehyung then whispers low before cupping Jimin’s head in his hands and forcing him to look up. “This is not how I planned for this to go.”

“Tough luck.” Jimin laughs.

The laughter dies on his lips when Taehyung leans down and settles his lips on his. Instead of how it had been that night before the mission, this time the man doesn’t start soft and gentle. He pushes Jimin’s head back against the wall and bites his bottom lip, swallows the moan that Jimin lets out when he soothes the sting with one long lick. There is saliva sliding down the corner of Jimin’s mouth.

Jimin settles his other hand on Taehyung’s ass as well, if only to have something to hold onto. This time instead of a whine there is a low chuckle, Taehyung’s pleased rumble that seems to vibrate against Jimin’s chest, they are so close together. The kiss has taken a slightly rough turn – with more bites and sucking on Taehyung’s tongue before the other pulls it back.

When they pull apart Jimin is panting, too aware of the heat in his own cheeks. He chuckles, a little hoarse. “Your hair is stupid.”

“Shut up, there is a spider in yours.” Taehyung mutters back. His eyes are stuck on Jimin’s lips. “I want to devour you. Like a titan.”

Despite how disgusting it should be, the connotations terrifying, Jimin shivers. “Fuck. I’d let you.”

Taehyung drops one of his hands and presses it against Jimin’s semi-hard dick. He grins wide at the sharp gasp, made less because of any kind of pleasant feelings and more out of surprise. The blushing shyness is gone by now, replaced by the intense concentration and somewhat frightening single-mindedness that Jimin has always found hot, especially so when it has been turned towards him in the past. Now it gets him even more riled up, especially when Taehyung can feel the effect himself.

“Do you want it? A handjob?” Taehyung asks.

Jimin huffs. He closes his eyes and tries to breathe though the _want_. “I mean, fuck, yeah, but. Here? Like this?”

“Why not?” Taehyung wonders, though he does seem to think about it. “It’s not the most romantic place, but I’m just so horny and I’ve been wanting this for so long. But if you don’t want to, then that’s fine.”

Jimin wants it, of course he does. He understands the sudden need for physical closeness. And Taehyung is here, so willing and wanting, and waiting for a yes. Jimin curses under his breath once more and pulls Taehyung down for one more kiss. His hips jump just so.

“I need words, Jiminie.” Taehyung says into the kiss, breathless.

“Yes, fuck, yes. Let me do you as well.”

It’s hurried and slightly clumsy then as Jimin tries to get the front of Taehyung’s pants open. The other doesn’t bother to do the same and just squeezes Jimin’s dick through the pants in a strange rhythm that is enough to make Jimin hiss and fondle with the buttons and zipper. 

Taehyung giggles, “And you started this all cool and collected.” He presses his other hand against Jimin’s chest and gropes there.

“Shut up, Taehyung.” Jimin bites back.

Finally, his hand slips past Taehyung’s underwear and his fingers wrap around the head of the other man’s dick and squeezes back. The stuttered moan that Taehyung doesn’t manage to keep down is all that Jimin needs to keep going. It’s easy then to fall into the same rhythm as Taehyung, the slide up and down somewhat uncomfortable with nothing to make it smoother.

It doesn’t take too long, embarrassingly, for Jimin to feel like he’s close. With a moan silenced against Taehyung’s neck he stops his own hand and gets the other’s attention properly. “I’m gonna come, but no-not in the pants.”

In return Taehyung just grunts as his hips start to thrust into Jimin’s hand, though he does unzip Jimin’s pants and pull them down together with the underwear low enough to get them out of the way just enough. Jimin shivers at the cool air against his dick, but then sighs in relief again when Taehyung’s warm hand envelops his dick properly this time.

Jimin comes first. He squeezes his hand around Taehyung and the man whines high-pitched and long as he follows, shuddering.

“Your voice is so hot when you climax.” Taehyung mumbles.

Unable to stop himself, Jimin snorts. There is just something unbelievably amusing about the lack of any kind of proper pillow-talk that is now happening.

“I think I have it all over my shirt.” Taehyung continues then, still out of breath.

Jimin pushes him away enough to look down. Taehyung’s shirt really is damp with their releases, as is the front of his own shirt. It will be a pain to wash out, but right now Jimin just doesn’t care. He wants to be close to Taehyung again, as close as he can be for as long as possible.

It doesn’t take long for them to sneak out of the empty room and back to the barracks for a change of clothes, but Jimin does wonder if they aren’t too obvious. Though, it seems that there are many soldiers missing, be it that they have gone back home as a part of their days off or simply skipping on duties that need to be done. It doesn’t really matter to Jimin, in the end, as he shares one last kiss with Taehyung before he goes off to find someone from his team.

Later, in the evening, Mike stops by him and sniffs at the air as usual and hums. “You’re lucky you’re in my team and not Levi’s.” He says and then moves on.

The mortification is all consuming as Jimin understands the implications. Thankfully, it’s after dinner and he had been on his way to the showers and only Roberts is around to have possibly heard the comment. When the man pats Jimin on the back in either congratulations or pity Jimin knows that he had heard everything loud and clear.

…

Time moves both faster and slower from then on.

Jimin does what he is told, has these secret meetings with Taehyung in the most deserted parts of the castle and then repeats it again. Soon comes a time for his allotted days off to be taken out. He looks at the slip of paper that Mike had handed to him and wonders what he will do with the two weeks he has free now.

The letters from his mother sit unanswered at the bottom of his trunk. They stink of guilt.

“Will you go back home?” Taehyung asks as they both work on the dirty laundry that weekend. His shirt has been rolled up past his elbows, hair pulled into a high ponytail. “I can only get a week off. Mom’s been asking me to go and see them and then scolds me about joining the scouts.”

Jimin lets his eyes rest on the flex of Taehyung’s arms for longer than decent for friends. “I should go, probably. I don’t know if I want to.”

Taehyung stays quiet, absorbed in scrubbing out dirt and old blood from someone’s pants. Jimin rinses out yet another pair of shirts and passes it on to someone else to put them out to dry in the sun. There are three people per team working on the laundry of their team, so the chatter is almost enough to overwhelm the splashing of water.

“Well, well, well, if these aren’t the cute newbie loverboys, wet and sweaty yet again.” Hannika sits down with a pile of what looks like women’s underwear right next to Jimin and dumps them all in a newly freed basin. “Ah, fuck, my ass.”

Jimin snorts. “You still have a bruise from that fight you had with Gunther? It’s been three days now.”

Hannika flicks water at him. “Shut up. You try to go against those mini monsters of Levi’s team and come out not beaten up. Anyway, how’s the fucking?”

“Very satisfactory.” Taehyung chirps from Jimin’s other side. He leans forward enough to be seen from behind Jimin, “How’s yours?”

Jimin groans.

“Can’t complain, Roberts knows how to use what he has.” Hannika is elbows-deep into the basin now.

For a while they talk about everyday things while they wash the loads of clothes. Jimin tries not to look at Hannika’s load too often, as there are far too many bras and panties for his liking, but Taehyung doesn’t seem to care too much as he even offers ways to better get rid of certain stubborn stains, going as far as to demonstrate. 

Once the laundry is done, Jimin’s back hurts from the awkward position he had sat in for so long and his fingers have pruned from the long exposure to the water. He stretches out, cracks his back and then asks the girl from his team if there is anything else that needs to be done, apart from getting the dry laundry once it is done.

The next day Jimin sets off for his home village with letters meant for Taehyung’s family in his bag and Scouting Corps uniform left in the safety of the headquarters. There are some provisions stuffed in the bag as well, something to eat if he gets hungry on the way home. Thankfully, the day is warm still, despite it being near the end of autumn, so both Jimin and his horse make the journey back without much problem.

Being back is strange.

His mother stands frozen in front of their house, hands holding onto firewood just tight enough to not drop it. Jimin hops off from his horse and ties it up by the side of the house where the grass is the longest. He still hasn’t said a word to his mother, both unsure what to say and ashamed for not having acknowledged her desperate letters until now.

“My son.” His mother breathes and lets the firewood fall. She’s crying, clearly taken aback by his presence. “I didn’t think you’d come.”

“Sorry.” Jimin doesn’t know what else to say.

And then his mother is there, hugging him close to her, her tears wetting Jimin’s hair. There is a certain despair in the way the woman trembles, her whispered reassurances. Jimin hugs her back just as desperately. She smells like flour and forest, freshly cut wood.

“Foolish, foolish boy.” His mother sniffs. When she pulls back her face is blotchy red and there is snot under her nose that she wipes away with the sleeve of her dress.

Jimin swallows down his apologies, tries not to sound too choked up himself. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know what to tell you, before I joined or afterwards, when I came back.”

His mother still seems sad, despite the small lift at the corners of her mouth into almost a smile. “Same as your father. Exactly the same as your father. I should have known better when you applied for the Training Corps, to be honest.” She takes a deep breath to calm herself down.

“Yeah, probably.”

Jimin steps forward, his bag hanging on his back, to pick up the firewood that his mother had dropped. They don’t speak anymore for now, both content to stay silent while still outside for everyone to hear. Jimin knows that once inside the small house there will be questions upon questions and longing looks towards the cape that is all that has been left of his father.

Sat in front of a warm bowl of soup Jimin speaks. He answers all of his mother’s questions and demands for an explanation that have been sent to him in her letters, tries to recount what little he has already done with as little details omitted as possible, since his mother wants to know exactly what her son had done and how much in a risk of dying he has been in.

The woman’s eyes are no longer rimmed red and glassy from tears by the end of it. There is a slightly defeated curl to her shoulders, though when she looks at the cape that hangs on their wall. A reminder. A precious proof of Jimin’s father that reminds that he had been here, had been a brave and courageous man despite the reputation that he may have gotten in their little village. A role model for Jimin.

“When he told me about where he really serves it didn’t come as a surprise to me. Your father always spoke of the outside with wonder and the kind of experience that no one that has never been beyond the walls should have had. A horrible liar he was.” Jimin’s mother sounds so much in love even now, years after her husband has been dead. She seems like she has become lost in good memories.

Jimin sips at the steaming tea that he had made for both of them at some point. “Are you disappointed? In me, I mean.”

“Disappointed?” His mother turns to him, a furrow between her brows. “No, I don’t think so. Scared for you. Sad. But not disappointed. Never that, Jimin.”

It’s nothing much, but Jimin takes in the words and feels warm. Relieved. 

“You would do what you want to do anyway. Your silence, even if it was painful at first, helped. It’s strange, how things that hurt sometimes are the best for us.” She gets up from the table and walks up to the cape hanging on the wall and touches it gently, with care. “You’re old enough and stubborn enough to do what you want, no matter what I say.”

Jimin hesitates for a second. “I want to find him. Dad. Out there somewhere, wherever he may be.” 

His mother doesn’t react at first. She keeps her hand on the cape, then lets out a long breath. “Oh, Jimin.”

There isn’t much else said that evening, but the air between Jimin and his mother is lighter, less wrapped in tenseness and guilt. During the next few days that he stays there Jimin helps around the house with chores, whatever may be too hard for his mother to do on her own. He speaks with Taehyung’s family and passes on what has been entrusted to him, answers the questions of curious children and inquiring adults, even if the latter veils theirs in poorly concealed judgement and mockery. 

It’s healing, even with all of that. 

“Write to me now, please. Just so I know that you’re safe.” Jimin’s mother begs on the last day.

Jimin stops trying to get his hoarse ready for the journey back and turns to her, licks his lips. “I will. I will now, I promise.” He takes her hand in his and squeezes.

The woman squeezes back and then smooths her hand over Jimin’s clothes, the more pronounced wrinkles and then pats away whatever dust and grass has stuck to Jimin’s shirt. “Be safe. In the walls or outside them, just be safe.”

This time Jimin simply nods, since promising something like that would come too close to a lie. He does kiss his mother on the cheek before leaving, then hops on his horse and nudges the animal into a slow walk out of the village and into the open field that stretches before him and all the way toward Wall Rose. Unlike the last time that he walked on this road, this time there is no numb emptiness that weights him down. A new memory now overwrites the last one.

…

Taehyung meets Jimin in Trost. 

They may have made plans beforehand, but there is still this jittery energy to Jimin that he can’t explain as anything else but pre-date nervousness. By now being with Taehyung, no matter the type of togetherness, is nothing new, but the excitement still grows and blooms as if it were the first time meeting the other. 

“Long time no see, stranger.” Taehyung greets with flourish. His hair has been braided in parts and he looks like a fairy tale prince come to life. “I have waited many moons for you to come.”

Jimin hides his laugh behind one hand and struggles to stay upright. “By the Walls.”

Taehyung replies with his own pleased chuckle, lets his arms drop from the deep and artistic bow that he had made and comes up close to Jimin, one hand raised in front of him in an invite. “No wall gods, just me. And you.”

Jimin takes the offered hand in his. “So cheesy.”

“Perhaps. Now, come on, I got us a room in an inn, so you can drop off your things there.”

Jimin ties his horse in the stalls by the inn, together with those of the other clients staying there at the moment, then drops off his things and changes his shirt to something a little nicer before leaving. Taehyung is waiting for him on the street, holding onto two jackets and humming a song quietly to himself.

“I’m done. Oh, thanks for holding onto this.” Jimin takes the jacket back, but doesn’t put it on just yet.

The heated stare that Taehyung gives to Jimin’s shirt, the exposed collarbones, is a reason enough for Jimin to feel good about himself, about the choice in clothes he had made. Slowly they make their way towards the outdoor inn where a band should be playing tonight. Hannika had told them about this before Jimin’s days off while talking about her own plans on attending the event with some of the other scouts.

While the air is not yet cold the wind has turned slightly biting with the setting sun hanging low in the sky.

Jimin puts on his jacket while Taehyung keeps on chattering about the previous week, about the giant boom that had rocked the headquarters territories thanks to an experiment of captain Hanji. There had been no fire to put out, no holes in the walls or the like again, but commander Erwin’s eyebrows had been furrowed into a rather disappointed frown and lectures had been made.

“Look at the flowers!” Taehyung exclaims suddenly.

During their talk they have reached the right square. It’s already filled with people, both young and older, the stage set for the band and decorated with flower wreaths and ribbons made out of shiny cloth. There are poles with large candles placed on them, waiting to be lighted, as well as lanterns strung from simple wooden structures. 

“Oh, this is so pretty.” Jimin breathes out as they make their way closer still.

It’s hard to find a free place, even more so to get the barmaid to notice them, but Jimin succeeds in the end. He takes the two mugs of beer back to the tiny table where Taehyung is sitting, the man’s eyes alight with wonder and excitement for what is to come. 

“They are already getting ready. We came just in time.” Taehyung says as he wipes off foam from his upper lip. “Will you come dance with me, later?”

Jimin reaches for Taehyung’s hand under the table. “Of course I will, Tae.”

When the barmaid comes to their table with the food Jimin had ordered Taehyung is the first to let go, eager to dig into the snacks. Jimin thanks the lady and reaches for the still warm slices of bread and some of the dried meats to eat it with. Taehyung’s fingers are shiny with grease already, the utensils forgotten on the table.

Soon the music starts.

Children are the first to squeal in excitement and rush towards the empty space before the band’s stage and start dancing. They shake and laugh, twirling into circles and jumping around without a care in the world. Jimin can’t keep the fondness away, something that Taehyung seems to share as well.

“Remember when we were kids and managed to talk my parents into taking us to something like this in Shiganshina? Namjoon broke his arm that evening.” Taehyung licks his fingers clean.

Jimin just shakes his head, full for the time being. “I remember how Hoseok cried with him. And then you and Jungkook tried to make them both laugh with strange dancing.”

“Jungkook won.” Taehyung laughs. He lays on what little space is left on the table and grins wide, “And when we tried to find either my parents or Seokjin we found Yoongi in the middle of kissing a girl. That was the first time he blushed _so red_.”

“Your parents were angry as all hell.” Jimin snickers as well.

By now there are more people gathered to dance. From married to new couples, to friends just having a good time. Jimin stands up and now it’s his turn to offer his hand for Taehyung to take. He smiles, head tilted to the side as Taehyung startes back up at him with wide eyes, hair slightly curly thanks to the braids that have unraveled by now.

Jimin smirks, “A dance, my prince?”

Taehyung snorts and quickly gets into his princely character. “Ah, yes, gladly, mysterious stranger. Since this is what I was waiting for.”

There is just one more group of young guys dancing together, so while they aren’t exactly the only ones paired this unusually, there still are some stares. Though, with how uplifting the air is, with how charged and cheerful the square has become thanks to the music and the laughter, Jimin and Taehyung soon become a part of the crowd, simply another two dancers here to have the time of their life and relax from everyday problems.

Little kids dash past them and tangle in their legs, but Jimin just giggles when Taehyung wobbles in place and almost trips over a little girl that runs past. He catches the other man and swings them both around as well as he can with Taehyung being taller and not quite upright and secure with his footing. Soon it becomes a game almost – trying to trip and manhandle the other in the rhythm of the music.

In the lantern and candlelight everything seems magical and forever. So warm is the light that paints Taehyung golden underneath the stars.

“I want to kiss you so bad right now.” Jimin whispers, unsure if his voice will be heard.

Taehyung smiles like he knows, like he had heard. But doesn’t say anything, just twirls Jimin into yet another dance.

They are both panting by now. Jimin swallows down in hopes of feeling less thirsty, but the slight discomfort is nothing in the face of Taehyung’s enthusiasm and energy, the childish delight in the man’s eyes. 

Most people have gone back to their seats and when the song ends Jimin pulls Taehyung with him. The beer has long since gone warm, but Jimin drinks it in large gulps anyway. Taehyung drinks as well, but slowly and not in such an apparent thirst. 

Jimin opens his mouth to say something, but the look in Taehyung’s eyes stops him. A moment passes between them and then Jimin is once again on his feet, Taehyung’s hand in his, as he walks away from the music and the light, the cheer and chatter of people. He waves through the streets in hopes that he remembers the way to the inn, but Taheyung needs to take over soon and he does so with a laugh and a tease.

Blushing, Jimin mumbles something back and it makes Taehyung laugh loud and boisterous. 

When they fall into the clean sheets of their rented room’s bed the fire and desire are still there, burning bright. But the delirious need has been replaced with something soft and slow, with the patience to slow down and take in everything about each other.

Jimin leans down and whispers against Taehyung’s ear, hands steady as they hold him up, “You’re so beautiful.”

Taehyung shivers, eyes half-lidded and his touch hot, hot, hot against Jimin’s skin. “You too. You too, Jiminie.”

…

Getting back to the usual everyday military life is somehow harder than Jimin thought it would be. Perhaps it was the week that he spent with Taehyung, pretending that there are no responsibilities to tend to, no nightmares that haunt them both. A false sense of normalcy. 

Then, suddenly, one day it all becomes a little realer once again - the dangers of the profession that Jimin chose for himself.

Commander Erwin stands before them, with captain Hanji by his side this time. They all have gathered outside of the headquarters as it’s the only place where the whole of Survey Corps can fit comfortably and everyone hears the new announcements equally well. The air is filled with confused murmuring, some excited for the possibilities of what this might be about and Jimin just keeps still and watches the careful way commander Erwin sweeps his gaze over them all.

“My men,” Erwin starts and immediately a hush settles over everyone present. The man smiles ever so slightly, “something quite unprecedented has happened, perhaps in our favor, perhaps not. The only way to tell is to execute the will of the higher-ups, the wealthy Lords that sit at Stohess and rule their riches over us.”

Jimin swallows hard. Even Hanji is still and serious this time around.

Erwin continues, “As it may have come to your attention, lately we have had to make more trips to the west district of Wall Maria than we have had to do before. The men of Garrison stationed there have also begun to report unusual titan activity in that sector. It seems that the Lords and the King have decided to sponsor us for an expedition outside of the walls, to cull out the monsters and to, if possible, find a reason for their abnormal activity.”

Jimin zones out a little afterwards, doesn't really listen to Hanji’s explanation of possibilities and what she would want to find and gather, if possible. They are the kind of talks that Jimin cares little about and understands even less, as he is not keen in finding out the reasons why the titans exist in the first place, the justification of their hunger for the human flesh that they vomit out once they are full. He doesn’t care about those at all.

It was to be expected and Jimin has been ready to be a part of another expedition. He knew that if he were to survive one, then more would come. Expeditions and smaller missions to kill the titans gathered around the outside districts both. But he had not been ready for a large expedition to come so soon after the previous one. No matter how brave he may be, the fear of the monsters that roam outside never leaves after all.

And now there is Taehyung as well.

Commander Erwin’s booming voice brings Jimin back to the present, into yet another hush that settles over everyone. 

“This expedition is set to start in about a month and a half. We need time to prepare, especially as winter is fast approaching and we still do not have all of the blades and gas cannisters replenished from our last outing.” Erwin pauses briefly, “The losses of the last time are sure to be fresh still, as any other ones that we have suffered so far. However, do not be discouraged by them, my men, bring the spirits of the ones lost with you into the outside and fight with their bravery as well. Nothing is meaningless, especially not any death that occurs for the sake of our mission, our goals. Be brave, be victorious, _be free_.”

Cheers ring out following Erwin’s closing words. Men and women raise their hands in salute and the _yes, sir_ that rings clear, said in a hundred different voices, is strong and all-consuming. Jimin’s voice is between the hundreds, his fists clenched so tight that the skin of his palms hurts from the bite of his nails.

He survived one trip to the outside. He will survive this one as well.

…

Taehyung’s nose is cold when he pushes it against Jimin’s neck later that night. There is desperation in the way that the man holds onto Jimin, lets himself be pulled as close as possible under the blankets. 

“I’m scared, Jimine. So scared, yet also excited.” Taehyung whispers hot against Jimin’s skin, his lips brushing against it with every word. “How can I be both, when I know what’s out there? When I’ve killed them and I know.”

Jimin swallows down the acid of his own fear and rests his cheek against the soft tuft of Taehyung’s hair. “Because it’s normal. And because you want to go out there, where there are no walls. Because you’re strong and curious, and adventurous. Because you’re Tae, _my_ Tae.”

When Taehyung breathes in it’s with a shudder. He doesn’t speak anymore, but hides his face in the crook of Jimin’s neck and curls around him more, tighter, as much as his taller, lankier body allows him to. Jimin simply holds his friend and lover close and protects the man for as long as he can. Makes an empty promise to himself to try and do anything in his power to make sure that Taehyung comes back. 

Jimin doesn’t pray, though, because he doesn’t believe in any Gods. Not ones who put the titans on this earth in the first place. Not ones that dealt this losing hand to humanity and now watch from above as they all struggle and fight as desperately as they can.

…

Perhaps because this is already the second time for Jimin to go outside the walls, but time moves so much faster towards the dreaded date. If before the riding formation and signal memorizing, the combat and additional maneuver gear drills seemed to be endlessly long and to go on forever, then now they are short and to the point, no longer as draining.

This time, unlike it was then, Jimin and Taehyung get to meet the rest of their friends for a proper goodbye.

Namjoon pulls them both close, one hand cupping the back of Jimin’s head while the other does the same to Taehyung. He breathes in deep, as if thinking over the proper words to use. “You will do well. You’re both capable and smart, strong and will come back in one piece, having seen and knowing more than any of us probably ever will.”

“Yeah.” Taehyung nods his head and his voice is strangely subdued, nasally, “Yeah, we will.”

Seokjin sniffs loudly. “Fucking morons the both of you.”

“Hey, shut up! We’re here to support and encourage!” Hoseok dabs at his eyes with a handkerchief quickly before it’s his turn for a hug and well wishes.

Yoongi looks tired, his uniform wrinkled. Next to him, Jungkook stands with his eyebrows slightly furrowed, not unlike how he tends to become in situations when he’s unsure of what he is allowed to say. It’s painful to see him like this, especially between his friends. Or rather, because of his friends, in some capacity. Jimin pulls himself out of Hoseok’s teary embrace and walks up to the youngest of them all. 

“What?” Jungkook mumbles.

Jimin reaches out to pinch and pull at Jungkook’s cheek. It’s no longer as smooth and chubby as it was when they were younger, barely in their teens. “I came back once and I will come back again. And make sure Tae is well. But if you’re worried, or angry, then I get it. I really do, Jungkookie.”

“I’m not.” Jungkook’s eyebrows furrow even more and his nose wrinkles as he struggles for a moment. “It’s so soon. After, after the last time.”

And Jimin gets it. He gets it so well, because he’s also not happy it happens so quickly and without a proper period meant to get used to it. But it’s better than last time, when they were fighting and Jimin purposely hurt them with his silence and his spite, when he didn’t even give them a proper goodbye and a chance to see him. 

“It will always be too soon.” Yoongi sighs. 

“Probably.” Jimin acknowledges. 

Jungkook scowls, then makes a quiet whine at the back of his throat. He reaches out with his pinky, face flushed ever so slightly, and chin set stubbornly. “Pinky promise.”

Taehyung’s weight is familiar against Jimin’s back, Yoongi’s snort deliberately loud. When the other three guys gather around they valiantly try to stifle their own amused, fond giggles in the face of Jungkook’s determination to _do something_.

“Oh wow, we haven’t done these in a while.” Taehyung remarks without an ounce of judgement.

Jimin links his pinky with Jungkook’s and shakes their hands once, twice, thrice. His pinky stays hooked around Jungkook’s, neither letting go of the other just yet. “Do you want an illegal souvenir from the outside, maybe some cool-looking animal bone, if I find any?”

“Contraband is called contraband for a reason. We shouldn’t even be letting you talk about it.” Yoongi huffs, though doesn’t do much more. There is a thoughtful look to him, slightly intrigued for mischief.

This time it’s Namjoon that snorts. “And every time the seniors confiscate something from, supposedly, outside of the Walls, you’re the first one to call it bullshit and complain.”

Jimin tunes out the issuing argument in favor of focusing on Jungkook and the way that his shoulders relax just so, the way his face relaxes with relief. He grins at the way Jungkook’s lips slowly form a pout as the younger thinks, maybe even properly considers what would be the most illegal thing that Jimin could possibly try and smuggle inside the Walls. 

In the end they do proper _goodbyes_ and _see you laters_ despite the fights and bickering that never really stops when they are all together.

It’s too late to ride back to the headquarters, so Jimin and Taehyung rent the cheapest room they can find in one of the Inns scattered close to the entrance of the district. The room is small and with two beds that have barely any space between them, but it’s warm and with clean bedding and some water left in a pitcher on the table for them to drink if needed.

When Jimin has come back from the bathroom he finds that Taehyung has pushed the beds together and lighted some of the candles that had been put strategically around the room. Jimin rolls his eyes and shakes his head at the suggestive wiggle of his lover’s eyebrows, but does join him on the beds. They are both laying on their sides, though Taehyung has propped himself up on one arm.

“I’m glad we got to meet them like this.” Taehyung says.

Jimin hums along. “I’m glad they let us meet people closest to us like this, before the expeditions. I know why and it’s not a happy reason, but I’m still glad.”

Taehyung’s hand finds Jimin’s and he squeezes once. “Are you worried? About not coming back.” He asks like it’s a taboo subject, something that he himself doesn’t know the answer to yet.

“Of course. I don’t think there is anyone who isn’t worried or scared, or both.” Jimin squeezes his hand back, then pulls Taehyung’s fingers up to his lips so that he can leave a light kiss on the man’s knuckles. “Maybe except captain Levi.”

“Oh wow, Jiminie, how daring of you to talk about another man when you’re sleeping in the same bed as your boyfriend.” Taehyung masks his nervousness with a joke, like always. Though he does relax and play more thoroughly into the role of a jealous boyfriend. “You harlot!”

Jimin snickers and pushes Taehyung on his back, crawls atop of the other man. “I thought you were the harlot between us? If we can trust the rumors that were spreading through the trainee bararacks.”

“I don’t know about that. Rumors are just that, you know?” Taehyung settles his large hands on Jimin’s hips and holds them there.

Gentler that he had planned to be, Jimin slides his fingers down one side of Taehyung’s face, over his bottom lip and then across the man’s cheek to cup his face. “You will come back. I will make sure you come back no matter what.” Jimin promises into the flickering candlelight and while drowning in the dark liquid of Taehyung’s eyes.

When they kiss it’s slow. Jimin sighs into it, lets Taehyung swallow the small sounds that he makes with every swipe of Taehyung’s tongue, with every squeeze of his hands. There is no hurry and Jimin doesn’t feel like going any further than this, than these languid, grounding kisses that makes his breath stutter and heartbeat fasten.

As Jimin falls asleep with Taehyung’s heartbeat under his ear, he tries to make out the faint rumble of words that Taehyung is murmuring far too quietly for his brain to understand. He sighs and burrows closer to the other man, thinks to himself that he will ask Taehyung tomorrow for a repeat.

…

“What did you tell me, yesterday evening? I couldn’t make it out.” Jimin asks as they ride down the path towards the Survey Corps headquarters.

Taehyung turns his head and his hair glows golden in the morning sun. He grins, wide and boxy, so incredibly beautiful. “Oh, that? I just said that I love you.”

…

The early morning is crisp with fresh air and frost dusting the grass and dirt roads. 

It’s not too cold yet this early into the colder months of the year. But the scent of snow and ice is already coming around with the chilly mornings that slowly become more so one by one. Still, this morning that starts off the beginning of Jimin’s second expedition is already far colder than the steadily lowering temperatures suggested it might be.

Nanaba shivers on her horse on Jimin’s right side. She’s not yet bundled up, as her jacket has been left open, so it must be the combination of sleep that clings onto all of them and the chill.

“I can never get used to the early mornings,” Nanaba mumbles to herself through a yawn and then sniffs. “Stupid mornings.”

“Oh, it’s not that bad!” Petra has fallen back and giggles at Nanaba’s annoyed glare. “We’ll all be very much awake when we ride out the gates at least! Less mistakes and repercussion that way, you know?”

Jimin can’t help but choke on a rather abrupt laugh. “That’s some positive thinking.”

Petra grins at him. “Yeap! Besides, I’d rather be doing this at dawn than participate in one of my captain’s cleaning tirades. I thought I got away from that whole selection of duties when I joined the scouts. Annoying. Oh, but don’t tell captain Levi that. I don’t think he’ll appreciate my sentiments much.”

“Not gonna lie to you, miss Petra, I’d rather not even go near your captain.” Jimin lowers his voice and looks towards the front where all the captains are riding together in some groundless fear that he can be heard over the huffing of horses and hushed mumblings of tired and sleepy soldiers.

Nanaba snorts.

Petra doesn’t seem that surprised when Jimin turns back to her. Instead, her grin has turned teasing and knowing. “You and most of the scouts. Did you know there is a test of courage, or something like that, that involves the poor soul annoying captain Levi and then facing his ire head-on. It’s pretty funny to watch.”

“The bets are just as fun,” Nanaba comments.

In the evening, at the first stop from the two just on the way to the west gate, Jimin leans his whole weight against Taehyung’s shoulder and talks about the test of courage that Petra and Nanaba told him about in the morning. The other man ends up curled up on himself, forehead pressed against his knees as he tries in vain to smother his laughter.

The next day is the same, only this time Jimin rides together with Hannika, Taehyung and another man from Taehyung’s team who has a scar marking a half of his face. There are jokes that they all share between them and later Taehyung’s teammate and Roberts both open up about their experiences with titans, both impressive kills and take-downs as well as most gruesome and horrible deaths that they had witnessed and somehow gotten out of.

“Whole of my old team got killed off by three of abnormals. Fuck knows how I got out of there.” The scarred man grunts slightly atop of his horse, as if uncomfortable atop the saddle.

Hannika is snaking on some dried berries that she offers rather unwillingly to others when asked. “Think it’s gonna be the same this time? A bunch of abnormal titans in one place?”

Roberts’ gaze focuses on the gates that lead into the west district of wall Maria. He sighs, thoughtful. “Most likely. This is only the second time we’ve gone out this way ever since I joined. Shiganshina is far more active.”

Taehyung swallows, his eyes darting to Jimin and back to the gates then, lower lip bitten red by now. Jimin wants to reach out and soothe Taehyung’s worries away and say that it’s okay, that they will be fine and they will make it through this, that it will surely not be as bad as everyone worries it will be. 

But he can’t.

Jimin himself worries, hopes desperately that he will come back from this as well. That, above all else, Taehyung will return from outside of the wall in one piece with no injuries. Reality is different though and this time they are riding into the unknown, a possible danger that none of them are particularly prepared to deal with. There is nothing that can soothe the fear of dying, of watching someone he loves die, of knowing that he could do nothing to prevent that.

So Jimin doesn’t say anything, but instead offers Taehyung his hand when no one pays them attention. He squeezes his lover’s hand as tightly as he can, in hopes that touch settles and grounds Taehyung as well as it sometimes does Jimin himself. 

That evening, the true evening before, they both use the darkness of the night and the deep sleep of everyone around them to hold each other close yet again. They don’t have sex, but Taehyung does leave red and sore hickeys on Jimin’s stomach and bitemarks on his shoulders as crude good luck charms, perhaps. Or maybe they have no meaning and Jimin just pretends they are more than they are meant to be.

Still, Jimin leaves his own hickeys behind as well. When Taehyung sighs heavily in his hair Jimin wonders if marking each other is merely something they needed just because. A secret mark of possessiveness and belonging that not even the titans can erase.

Sun has yet to properly rise when they ride out. 

Jimin is once again on the outer back corner of the formation. He is together with Hannika and Roberts, both of whom look grimly determined. Somewhere near the middle is Taehyung with his own two or three person group, Jimin can’t remember the exact position or number. But he does know that his lover has been paired up with people who have been a part of the Survey Corps for a while now, skilled and capable men or women who can and will keep Taehyung safe for the duration of the ride to whatever campsite that they are going towards.

“The terrain on this side is so shit, the hell?” Hannika maneuvers her horse around larger and smaller boulders sticking out from the ground.

Jimin looks around as much as he can with how uneven and unpredictable the plains are. He curses under his breath when he notices the still forms of unmoving titans. There is already faint light by the horizon so soon the monsters will start moving again, will come at them with their mouths gaping open and eyes crazed with insatiable hunger. There’s already flares coloring the slowly lightening sky in colorful streaks, so the slumbering titans are surely all accounted for.

“The titans here look… more disturbing than the ones near Shiganshina,” Jimin notes.

“Hanji had some theories about cold and no humans to eat, and whatnot about that. Though, I’m with you on this one, Park. These do look more fucked up than the ones we’re kind of used to.” Hannika only briefly glances to the side to confirm the position of said titans.

Roberts fires off a flare. “They’re starting to move.”

By now there are more red flares visible. Together with Roberts’ red one, from the front somehow has shot up a black one in the sky, signaling the first spotted abnormal titan. Jimin is sure that it’s not just been spotted, as avoiding those ones is difficult even at the best circumstances. 

“Fucking fuck!” Hannika curses as the ground suddenly starts to shake.

Jimin yelps as well as he tightens his hold on the reins of his horse. It almost feels like many titans running at the same time, earth vibrating under their heavy and clumsy steps. He doesn’t have the time to check if it really is so, or if his temporary teammates and whoever else he can see in his field of vision are okay, as his horse stumbles over something and he needs to make sure that the animal doesn’t injure itself or him.

When the tremors finally die down Jimin feels safe enough to sigh in relief, as short-lived as it may be.

“Get ready, two on the left,” Roberts yells.

While one of the titans is rather small and clumsy, slow enough to be easily left behind to stumble after them meaninglessly, the other titan, a 15 meter one by the looks of it, is far faster, with a bigger step and more of a drive and ability to easily catch up to them. Jimin curses, swallows and falls slightly back, as to be the first one to try and take it down, if possible. 

They spread out, as much as they can while still maintaining their position in the formation and staying on guard. In some ways, luck is on their side as the 15 meter titan is not an abnormal, which means it’s predictable. Simple. Jimin watches it stumble over some of the larger rocks, almost fall even though its empty, hungry eyes are trained on them the whole time.

At the front, green flares begin to shoot up one after another.

Hannika curses something fierce and suddenly aims her flare gun at the titan and shoots. The smoke flare hits it in the face and a cloud of red blasts in its face. Jimin steers his horse after Hannika and Roberts, unwilling to wait and see if the distraction has indeed worked. They just change course as ordered by Erwin and keep an eye on the now wailing titan being them. It has stopped moving in favor of clawing at its own eyes, the damage still obscured by the green smoke.

Jimin breathes a quick sigh of relief, though it doesn’t last for long when he notices the purple flare streaks before him. The other teams before him are all safe, though they seem to be equally as conscious of the titan that has now been left behind them, thankfully. Jimin hopes with all that he has that Taehyung is safe.

When the temporary camp finally comes into Jimin’s view, he’s tired. There is sweat under his warm clothes, his hands and legs weary and sore. The patch of scattered trees that envelopes tens that have been set up looks almost inviting and comfortable after the long and uncomfortable ride. Jimin desperately wants to clean himself, even if the titan blood that had been on him has long since evaporated into nothing. The feeling of it is still there and still uncomfortable.

Everyone looks grim, even if there doesn’t seem to have been many casualties yet.

Taehyung finds Jimin the second he has put his horse away.

“I didn’t want to look back to what is happening to you on the way here.” Taehyung is calm with his words, but frantic with his touches. He stops at the tear in Jimin’s warm jacket for a moment longer, probably aware why it’s there. “My team didn’t meet any titans, not close enough to count.”

“That’s the bonus of being in the middle,” Jimin mumbles. His own hands are shaking just slightly as they hold onto the front of Taehyung’s jacket and pull the other man close.

The cover they have is nothing much and anyone might walk in on them any second, but Jimin gives himself this second of weakness and want. He rests his forehead on Taehyung’s shoulder and breathes in deep, calms his racing heart and tries to ignore the exhaustion that has already seeped into his muscles. He lets Taehyung place a quick, light kiss behind the ear, leave one of his own on the other man’s lips and then pulls back, puts himself back together.

Out here there is danger even when it seems to be safe.

It’s not a place where Jimin can fall into Taehyung and relax even for a second, no matter how much he wants to. And Taehyung knows that as well since he just nods, straightens out and looks out into the distance where the hulking shadows of the taller titans sway against the sky. It’s almost a beautiful sight, if not for the implication that soon they will be there and ready to tear them all apart, limb by limb.

…

While some stay at the camp, taking care of whatever ammunition and equipment that has been brought with them, Jimin joins captain Mike and the rest of his group to go and scout the surrounding area. They have been given clear directions to follow this time, possible pointers to look out for and a pair of extra blade holsters strapped on their horses.

“Hanji said that the Garrison had done some rudimentary observation through binoculars and short, close trips outside when there were no titans around,” Nanaba recites as they move towards what looks like a rather loose forest. “They also managed to pinpoint the general direction from where most of the titans seem to come from, so… Here we are.”

Mike stays quiet, quieter than usual. He communicates with quick hand gestures, ordering them all into the positions he needs them in.

There is nowhere to really hide in case a titan does appear. Jimin chews on his bottom lip in worry as they pass many broken trees along the way, almost with some recently moved boulders. The area looks as if the titans had moved through it without a care of what was in their way, while usually they at least avoid the things that are somewhat on their eye level. This area looks damaged, as if there had been a huge fight here before.

“Why is everything so wrecked?” Jimin whispers, unwilling to attract attention to himself when they all need to be ready for anything.

Further ahead Mike stops his horse. Jimin and the rest of the team stop with him. 

It’s a bad spot to stop at. There is no coverage, no trees close enough to hook onto in care there is a need to do so. Out here Jimin feels like a sitting duck, unprotected from whatever this area has in store for them. While titans are not smart enough for surprise attacks or sneaking onto them, especially with Mike around, there is still this unnerving feeling of being watched, of being followed. Of being played with.

Jimin swallows and looks around. 

There is nothing around them but nature. And yet it’s so quiet – not even birds are twittering. One thing that Jimin knows as well as that titans are merciless monsters and will stop at nothing to fulfill their need to kill, is that they do not touch the animals. The titans do not care about the animals and the animals don’t care about the titans in return, don’t see them as predators. And yet there are no birds here, no other traces of animals around.

“Empty. How strange,” Mike murmurs.

They continue moving forward. Jimin keeps quiet on his worries, but his teammates have picked up on the lack of sound by now as well. Reluctantly they separate enough to still see each other and be close enough to help, but also make sure that the side of the territory that they cover increases. 

Jimin is on the end of the line. He ushers his horse forward, not even needing to weave through the trees and underbrush as there is still not much of it around. But the trees that have grown are tall and sturdy, strong enough to seemingly withstand whatever had happened here. As far as Jimin can see there is not a single titan around, not even a sign that the Survey Corps have been this far out before. It’s just an eerily quiet nothingness. 

Suddenly a red flare shoots up into the sky.

“Stop!” Mike yells out suddenly and his horse is already turning towards the distress signal, “Nothing is here, we’re going to help! Move!”

Jimin’s horse bucks slightly as he pulls on the reins too sharply, but the animal does follow orders and Jimin’s insistent clicks of tongue and starts to gallop towards the group that had shot the flare. The forest doesn’t change much as they rush through it, but the sounds do start to grow in volume.

While before there was an eerie quiet, now Jimin starts to hear the starved, dumb warbled yelling of titans and panicked, rushed shouts of humans. The rumble of giant feet hitting the ground gets more and more noticeable, there are horses running past him in the other direction with their saddles empty.

Mike is the first one to take flight before they have even gotten to the real epicenter of the fight. Despite the rush and the need to move faster, go and help as quickly as he can, Jimin can’t help but admire the agility that his captain possesses. There are no fumbles, no unneeded movements or hurried planning about the next move to make mid-air. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that Mike comes right after captain Levi in terms of skills and abilities.

Jimin shakes himself off in a second though and follows Mike’s example by shooting hooks towards the nearest tree and sailing through the air towards where someone is screaming in agony. With the maneuver gear the remaining distance is easy to make, even if the trees in this part of the forest have once again started to thin out.

What awaits Jimin is a massacre.

There is blood smeared on the ground, a body smashed against a boulder and being dragged across the disturbed dirt by a titan. Everyone is fighting and there are more hands reaching out from a rather large hole in the ground, something that seems to have been blocked beforehand, but has been smashed open from the inside.

“Shit!” Jimin curses when a titan catches one of the wires connected to his maneuver gear hooks and pulls, hard.

The strength of the pulls makes Jimin choke, his hips hurt. But he also doesn’t want to be eaten this easily. When the titan’s bulged face has come close enough Jimin jams his sword in the monster’s cheek and lets his blade slash through whatever comes its way as he flies past. The titan shrieks and let’s go of the wire to flail its hands around. Jimin hits a tree and once again chokes on nothing, all air hit out of his lungs.

But with so many titans around and many already dead there is not any time to try and properly gather himself up. Jimin takes one shaky breath and then practically forces himself to move, to reel in the hooks and shoot them out again, to hook them into the back of another titan’s head and aim for the nape.

Underneath there is a body that has been flattened by titan feet and Jimin refuses to look down, focusing on the monsters swarming the area and the adrenaline coursing through his veins. 

Next to him another titan falls.

He turns around as much as he can on the carcass of the falling titan, already steaming as it dissolves. There is blood in Jimin’s eyes that makes it hard to see, but not hard enough to miss the small abnormal currently barreling his way with its tongue lolling around and eyes far too big for its tiny head.

Perhaps it’s luck that Jimin slips on the mass underneath him and the small titan misses once. Jimin falls on his back and knows that now he’s vulnerable and the titan above him will not miss. He swallows and jabs his broken blade up, hopes it embeds and wounds the monster above him enough to buy some time, an opening big enough to at least get above and away from the ground.

More blood pours onto him, steaming up and the small space between him and the titan. It’s hard to see, hard to think with the noise that deafens whatever frantic thoughts that Jimin might have. He releases the broken blade that is now stuck inside the titan’s neck from the handle with a quick click and rolls as far away as he can while the titan gathers itself. 

Jimin shoots the hooks somewhere, anywhere, and hopes that he can get away just far enough to gather a better footing in order to try and kill the abnormal. Since the hooks did not latch onto anything high up the drag against the ground is nasty. Jimin can see his clothes tear, knows that there will be bloody and dirt wounds on his thighs, but that’s okay. A few wounds and scars are nothing in the face of maybe surviving to see another day.

Just as he stops by the leg of just killed titan the small abnormal is slain by Nanaba. She spares a quick glance Jimin’s way and nods once, hurriedly before jumping onto the next monster. Jimin uses this chance to propel himself to a nearby titan that is opening its large mouth to swallow a hysterically crying woman that has lost one of her arms and hopes he makes it in time.

The blades connect to the sword handle and then slide though the titan’s fingers like they are made of butter. Jimin uses the gas to make a turn mid-air, turns his whole body around and aims for the nape. The cut is not the best, but it does the job and with one last gurgle the monster starts falling. Jimin hopes that the woman is alright, but he doesn’t have the time to worry about her for long.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” Jimin gasps as he tries to make his gas canisters work. “A hole? What?”

They don’t respond and he keeps falling. In desperation Jimin hopes that this time the hooks of his gear will catch onto the higher parts of the trees, but even then, it probably won’t do much if there is no gas left anymore. Being on the ground is as good as suicide. 

But it’s the ground that Jimin falls on in the end anyway. He gets on his feet quickly enough, but the picture before him is one of pandemonium. More and more titans crawling out of the opening in the ground. They move like starved, crazed dogs. Despite the massacre before him there are people above the opening, atop of a small hill, trying to move some of the larger boulders. 

Something smashes into him. 

Jimin screams as he feels his flesh tearing. The whole of his left side is on fire, it’s tearing, there is so much pain. Bones break under the titan’s teeth and blood is everywhere. Jimin keeps screaming, unable to stop even though he knows he should. He should stop and fight back, he should do something to stop this, to get away. But it’s so hard, so painful. There are black spots in his vision, and everything hurts, it all just hurts so much. 

And then it’s gone and Jimin flops on the ground, chokes and coughs, doesn’t know if he’s still making any sound.

He swallows and just lies there.

Then there are hands on his face, slipping on the blood and tears. Jimin blinks, but he doesn’t see anything, doesn’t know what’s happening anymore. The sounds around him are so loud. So much. But the hands on his face are gentle and they pat his cheek gently, then stronger with every second that he doesn’t reply and just wheezes. 

“—min! Jimin! Jimin, _reply to me, Jimin_!” The voice that speaks is deep. Worried.

Jimin reaches up with the one hand that he can move. He manages to catch someone, or perhaps the person with him intercepts it mid-way. It’s nice to feel warm skin, to be held even by his hand. Slowly the world focuses, though not by much, just enough for Jimin to finally make out Taehyung’s worried face, the scratches and dirt that are all over the man’s face.

“Yo-you’re s-so beautiful,” Jimin rasps, delirious.

Taehyung chokes on a swear, somehow manages to muster a shaky laugh. He doesn’t say anything else, just takes a deep breath and looks around. Jimin can’t tell what’s happening, doesn’t know what the situation is, doesn’t even care about it, to be honest. If he’s about to die, then at least he dies with Taehyung next to him, he dies while on duty, while trying to do the right thing and help humanity.

As Jimin’s eyes slide shut he once again hears Taehyung yelling, shaking him. But Jimin is tired and he can’t do anything else but make pained sounds as he’s moved. Even though everything hurts already, it hurts even more when there is movement. And then there is nothing and the last thing Jimin hears is the rumble of Taehyung’s voice, words just a murmur without any meaning.

…

Jimin comes to for brief, foggy moments where it’s hard to tell if he’s actually awake or still dreaming. His body feels heavy and every breath is painful. Jimin just groans low in his throat, maybe whines from the sharp throb of pain that pulses in time with his heartbeat. He doesn’t even try to open his eyes, just lolls his head to one side and quickly falls into another bout of fitful unconsciousness. 

…

It’s the rocking that wakes Jimin up next.

He groans, though he’s sure that the clacking of the cart that he is in drowns it out. With difficulty Jimin opens his eyes and the first thing he sees is the overcast sky. It’s a dull grey, clouds barely containing the rain that is sure to fall any second now.

Slowly Jimin turns his head to the side as much as he is able to. Next to him is the woman that he had saved from being eaten, the one whose arm had been ripped off. Now she’s here, panting harshly and sweating profusely despite the cold temperature, one that Jimin doesn’t even feel himself. Someone else bites back a pained yelp in the cart, another injured soldier laid close so that they all could share body heat, surely. 

It’s hard to see what is happening and where he is because of the sides of the cart and how they block the surroundings. But Jimin can’t find it in himself to care. He squeezes his eyes shut again and tries to bite back his own pained groans as the cart shakes even more, moves so harshly that his wounds feel like they are on fire. 

When Jimin opens his eyes next there is a red flare cutting through the pre-rain gray like a beacon. In his delirious state he finds the sight so fascinating, almost pretty. It takes a second for the implications to settle, for the flare system briefings to return to his tired mind, but when Jimin does realize the meaning of the flare, the threat of titans close by, he can’t help but start crying.

Perhaps it’s the mixture of the agony he feels, the helplessness and tiredness, but Jimin takes in a shuddering breath and hopes that if the titans get him this time, then this time his death will be swift and momentary. He doesn’t want more suffering, not after the terror that the mere memory of how it felt to be eaten alive and present enough to feel it brings.

“I’ll kill them. If anyone comes close, I will kill them!”

It’s Taehyung that yells. It’s Taehyung’s yell that jolts Jimin enough to make him choke and cough, try and blink away the tears.

There is more yelling, a conversation that Jimin can barely understand and concentrate on as is, but when Taehyung yells back the man’s voice is clear and close by. As if he is riding next to the cart, as close as he can be to it without either getting in the way of the other.

“No, I don’t think so. Someone seems to have intercepted it!” Taehyung continues to yell.

Jimin wonders what is happening. Wants to at least see Taehyung. But also knows that he shouldn’t. Knows that it’s better his lover thinks he is unconscious so that all of Taehyung’s attention is towards the threat of titans, on making sure they all get back to the walls as quickly as possible. So Jimin swallows what little saliva is in his mouth and grimaces when that hurts as well, when his throat feels like sandpaper and he feels like vomiting. But he keeps quiet and closes his eyes once again, breathes in and pretends he is not awake.

He feels himself slipping under again soon enough, though.

…

There is a hand in Jimin’s, holding tightly onto his. It smells like medicine, like blood, a little bit like despair and old death. 

It takes a lot just to open his eyes. 

Jimin takes a deep breath and tries to swallow, but his throat is so dry it only makes him feel more uncomfortable. He coughs and the hand around his tightens. When he turns his head there is Taehyung, hair a mess and very obviously not washed for a while, a stubble that only makes the man look more attractive.

“Fuck you, Jimin Park,” Taehyung rasps and his voice wobbles.

With what little strength he has, Jimin tries to squeeze his hand back, return some of the support that has probably been given to him for however long he has been in the hospital for. He wants to reach out more, wants to somehow soothe the upset, worried frown between Taehyung’s eyebrows, wants to kiss away the tightness of the man’s lips, the tears he has clearly been trying hard to keep at bay. Jimin wants so much, but he can do so little right now.

His whole body feels heavy, drained. If before, from what little Jimin can remember, there were constant waves of pain, then now there is but a dull throb throughout. He feels the wounds through a muted kind of wall, probably whatever medicine the medics must have given him. But the wounds are still there, his body broken in a way that Jimin has never felt before.

“Stupid, stupid Jimin Park.” Taehyung leans forward and his forehead comes to rest on the bed, next to Jimin’s side. His shoulders shake with what must be all the emotions he has been keeping locked inside until now, all the worry and tears. “I-I was s-so sc-scared, you _asshole_.”

Jimin breathes in and almost feels his breath rattling in his chest. It hurts to even swallow, but he doesn’t care. “I’m sorry,” he rasps, barely above a whisper. The then pained noise follows involuntarily as his throat works through the dryness and old taste of blood still sticking on his tongue.

Perhaps it’s the way his voice sounds now, or the wince he had made, but Taehyung immediately sits up properly, hands busy wiping away tears and snot. The man breathes through a hiccup and then reaches for a pitcher of water and a glass left on the tiny bedside table. He even helps Jimin take small, soothing sips – one large hand supporting his head, while the other tips the glass carefully to Jimin’s chapped lips.

Taehyung is still shuddering through his own tears when he sighs and takes Jimin’s hand in his own again. “I don’t think I’ve ever been as scared as when I heard you screaming, saw you in that titan’s mouth, blood everywhere. I thought you were _dying_ , I was devastated. I don’t even know how I got you back to the base anymore, I don’t remember how we got here. Fuck.” He takes another shuddery breath, holds it in for a long time. “You _promised me_ , Jimin. You fucking promised me!”

If he could then Taehyung would probably be yelling. But this is still the hospital and Jimin is not the only one in this large room. There are other scouts laid on beds, some asleep and some awake, all of them looking haggard and tired, some staring unseeingly at the ceiling. Behind Taehyung, a few beds down and right by the wall there is a bed whose occupant is completely covered by a white sheet dotted in bloody splotches. 

Jimin swallows again and can’t help but think how thankful he is to be awake right now, to still be alive.

“I’m sorry, Tae. I’m—I h-had to save her and th-then there were just so many o-of them. So many. I don’t know from where that one came from, I didn’t--- I don’t. I was so scared.” Jimin is afraid to look at Taehyung, to see the kind of pain that he has caused his lover. He’s still so scared, even while back within the walls.

The fingers around his hand tighten again and Jimin finally looks up again, into the teary eyes of the man that he loves so dearly, so deeply, so wholly. Taehyung is shaking his head, hair flopping feebly from side to side with the movement. 

“Thank you for waking up,” Taehyung whispers, leans down and leaves a gentle kiss on Jimin’s lips, “I’m just glad you’re alive. So, so glad.”

Jimin swallows the guilt, the overwhelming sense of failure that he feels. He knows he’s crying, because no matter how quiet he may be about it, the tears are hot against his cheeks and the bandages around his head slowly become damp and itchy. There isn’t anything he can say to make it easier for Taehyung, no words or promises that might reverse the fear of a loved one dying, his own inability to know if the next time will be any better.

At least this time he woke up afterwards, he survived.

Even this much has left Jimin tired though and soon he keeps trying to blink the sleep and fatigue away. Slowly he reaches out to grab weakly onto the front of Taehyung’s shirt, fingers shaking from lack of strength and, perhaps, lingering shock. Jimin struggles to find the right words, doesn’t want Taehyung to leave, but he also wants the other man to go home and sleep, wash, get out of this hospital and the stench of injuries healing and festering. 

“I love you.” Jimin ends up saying and hopes it conveys everything that he wants to get across, but can’t. “So much.”

Outside the church bells ring. Taehyung has gone soft, soft and tired, beautiful even when unkept and with big, purple bags under his eyes. If Jimin could he’d kiss him, pull Taehyung down and never let go. But his body is tired, his mind even more so now. So, he hangs even more desperately to Taehyung’s shirt and fights the heaviness of his eyelids, the black spots that dance before his eyes. 

Jimin slips into fitful sleep, lulled into it by the soft whispers of a song pleased against the palm of his hand.

…

“When they brought you in it was hard to stay professional.” Hoseok says as he cuts open the old bandages around Jimin’s torso. His nose wrinkles in either concentration or unwillingness to see the mess of blood and possible infection that might hide underneath, it’s hard to tell. “They shipped you straight into the critical case opera and it looked bad for a long time.”

Jimin hisses when Hoseok slowly pulls back the bandages, some pulling on ruined skin and wound, as the dried blood has stuck everything together. With an annoyed click of his tongue Hoseok grabs a bottle of a liquid that smells strongly of alcohol and pours some of it on the bandages. It burns and Jimin whines, not afraid to appear weak when there is no one else around to hear him and, apart from that, those hospitalized with him know the same kind of pain.

“Ah, it’s coming off better now, good.” Hoseok mumbles.

With a swallow Jimin chances a look down at his injuries. Perhaps, in a sense, he had been lucky the titan hadn’t managed to bite too deeply into him yet when Taehyung showed up, as the bite had not gone fully through his side. But the stitches look horrible, his stomach looks like it had been hacked at repeatedly with many, many swords. There is puss at one of the sticked together wounds.

Hoseok swears again and carefully prods at the clearly infected part. “Ah, maybe it’s not so bad. I’ll inject something that should help with that.”

After that it goes on smoother, better. Hoseok still worries at some parts of the extended injuries, checks on Jimin’s broken arm and the parts on his legs where he had scraped off the skin during the fight. It’s a painful process, being prodded and checked over, especially when Hoseok needs to make sure the stitches are holding as they should.

“Thank you,” Jimin pants at the end. He’s tired just from this, but so thankful nonetheless.

Hoseok dries his hands and sighs. “Of course. But, Jimin, you were so lucky nothing, I mean, that the damage is what it is. That you weren’t bitten deeper, closer to your heart or--- Well, you get me.”

“Yeah, yeah I know.” Jimin sighs.

With Hoseok’s help he gets back into the wheelchair and then to the room where he’s staying at the moment. Some of the injured scouts have been discharged, the ones whose wounds were not too severe, and Survey Corps’ own medics could continue further care of, so the room is not as crowded as Jimin blearily remembers it to be. The one dead, the same woman Jimin had saved on the field, has also been taken away to be returned to her family.

By his bed are Taehyung and the rest of his friends, a tired-looking Seokjin included.

They all look relieved to see him. It’s Jungkook that rushes forward and helps to get Jimin back into the bed, even goes as far as to pull the blanket over his legs and make sure the pillow is comfortable enough to lean back on it.

“Thanks, Kookie.” Jimin smiles.

“Yeah, of course,” Jungkook replies, hesitates. “I’m glad you came back, even like this.”

Jimin laughs despite the situation and his own condition. He tries to muffle the sound behind the palm of his hand, but can’t manage it quite well. Something gives in his friends because of it, though, and they relax even further.

Yoongi slumps on one of the two chairs by Jimin’s bed and sighs, “I’ll get gray hairs because of you, Park.”

It’s easier after that to talk, to breach the most obvious and the hardest topic. Jimin tells about the start of the attack, about the titans he took down and the woman he thought he had saved, the gas canisters that had broken at some point. He doesn’t talk about the attack, doesn’t think he can. But Taehyung takes over then, his head on Jimin’s shoulder and fingers entwined atop the blanket.

“There will be many burials,” Namjoon adds once Taehyung is done, “I heard that commander Smith has been arguing with our superiors about information that had been kept from the Survey Corps. I’m not too sure on the details, but it’s bad.”

Yoongi nods along. “Yeah, I heard the higher ups yelling at each other when going about my duties.”

Jungkook is lying across the bed by Jimin’s feet, his long legs splayed open so that someone can and will trip on them at some point. Hoseok has long since gone back to his duties, as there are more wounded and ill to be taken care of.

Seokjin has taken off his medic’s coat, the white cloth of it stained beyond washing by this point. “Ugh, such a mess. Military divisions should all be working together, not giving into these power-play bullshit games. And for what? More dead and wounded? Bastards.”

“It is what it is. Maybe once some of the commanders change it will get better.” Namjoon stretches out and his back cracks with a nasty sound. He winces, grunts as he slumps back into the uncomfortable chair. “Has your captain been by, Jimin?”

“Mike? Ah, yeah, he came the day after I woke up. Said I did good and he can’t wait for me to get back. And then something about smells that I didn’t make sense of. Nanaba just laughed the whole time, so maybe it wasn’t that important?” Jimin recounts, still slightly mystified by the ordeal.

Taehyung yawns. “Well, your captain is kinda weird.”

“I’m pretty sure all of them are kind of weird in their own right.” Seokjin hums. “At least the ones I have met. Though, that short one is frightening rather than weird. I had to brief him on one of his guys and it was the most stressful few minutes in my life.”

“That guy is famous and _awesome_ ,” Jungkook pipes up suddenly.

Soon they all need to leave and Jimin waves them away easily, happy that they all stopped by and stayed for as long as they did. Taehyung lingers the longest, unwilling to go just yet, but needing to get back to the headquarters since his rest days have ended. They need the man back for after-expedition duties, especially so because Taehyung is one of the few that had come back untouched.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. Hoseok and Seokjin are always around and making sure I’m healing well,” Jimin soothes as best as he can. He ruffles Taehyung’s now washed hair as well as he can with one hand.

Taehyung pouts anyway, torn between duty and his own wants. “I know, I know. But I still worry so much.”

“Don’t. I’ll be fine here, resting and thinking about you.” Jimin smiles, so incredibly fond of this man that he can freely call his own.

Taehyung doesn’t say anything else, just leans in to place a quick kiss on the top of Jimin’s head and then leaves. Jimin breathes in and then lets it all out in a long exhale. He tries to get as comfortable as possible in his bed and then reaches out for the book that someone had brought him. It’s a somewhat dry and long novel, hard to read at some points, but right now it’s the only form of entertainment Jimin can get, so he deals with it and starts reading from the spot where he stopped.

…

It’s been weeks and Jimin is healing. Infection had spread and then was tamed, his strength and energy returned slowly, as slow as the healing process had taken. There will be scars. There already were scars that Jimin had carried, small and pale, and, in the face of large teeth marks now forever etched into his body, meaningless. But these new ones are a reminder as well, a sign that Jimin survived something that not many do.

“Did you even get permission for this?” Jimin asks as the houses of Shiganshina slowly get further and further down.

Taehyung hums, secretive. “Dunno. Maybe I just hijacked the lift, who knows?”

As the lift shudders from the steady climb up Taehyung pulls Jimin’s wheelchair away from the safety rails and closer to Wall Maria. It’s not a safe or smart decision to bring someone who still needs help moving up there, but Taehyung had been insistent and Jimin is weak to his lover’s pleas and whines.

Once up a member of the Garrison greets them with stern warnings about proper behavior on the wall and any dangers that might happen. Taehyung has his maneuver gear on, but Jimin has nothing. Taehyung has also left his uniform and cape back at his parents’ house, unwilling to flaunt his chosen path to everyone in the district below, afraid that it will bring too many judging stares and rude questions their way.

“This is my first time being up on one of the walls,” Jimin confesses.

“Wait, really? Didn’t you go out this way?” Taehyung sounds surprised, almost in disbelief as he pushes Jimin further away from the Garrison post.

Jimin shakes his head. His eyes are stuck on the sight of the slowly setting sun and the shadows that stretch long across the unclaimed land out of their reach. “No, they opened the gate for us. I’ve never seen the outside world like this, from above.” He laughs quietly, almost shy to admit his next thought, “Being up high like this makes me feel like a bird.”

Taehyung is still walking, taking them both even further down the almost unnoticeable curve of the wall. “Just a bird? I almost felt like a god the first time I saw it.” He laughs, a deep rumble of a sound that he hasn’t made in a while.

Jimin leans his head and watches the scenery before him. In the distance there are the lumbering forms of the titans walking around aimlessly, deceptively innocent and harmless from here. Their footsteps are littering the snowy ground, marring the otherwise untouched plains. It’s cold, even more so up here, where the wind howls and blows with force.

When they stop Jimin looks up to find Taehyung’s eyes already on him. The other man smiles, soft and tender, so full of love, that Jimin can’t help but want to kiss him, hold him close and never let go. Instead, he is turned to face the outside and Taehyung crouches next to his wheelchair, unwilling to sit down on the snowy rock underneath them.

“I’m not gonna ask you for a promise that you won’t be able to keep anyway.” Taehyung starts, his hand holding onto Jimin’s now.

Jimin raises their hands to his lips and presses their gloved hands to his cheek. “I would if I could, you know?”

“Yeah, that’s why this is enough. You still being next to me is enough. But I’m greedy, you know?” Taehyung’s eyes are dark and endless. Surrounded by snow he looks so small, so young. “And no one would marry us either, even though I really wish they would.”

“Marriage. I don’t need marriage to know that you’re the one for me.” Jimin snorts and his stomach protests. He doesn’t show it, afraid that his discomfort might ruin the moment they have.

They sit quietly for a while, just enjoying each other’s company and the beautiful sight before them. Jimin sniffs every so often, his nose and cheeks probably bitten red by the temperatures. He buries as much as his face as he can behind the scratchy wool of his scarf and holds tighter onto Taehyung.

And then Taehyung moves to kneel before him, frozen and clumsy fingers working hard to take off both of their gloves. Jimin protests, of course he does, then whines when Taehyung shushes him. Jimin pulls his hands away, tries to hide them in the folds of his winter coat, but Taehyung is quicker and gently pulls the right hand back towards him, places it gently onto Jimin’s lap.

“ _Tae_ , what are you doing?” Jimin knows his voice has gone high with childish annoyance and need to know. He knows that it annoys Taehyung greatly when he uses it.

Taehyung rolls his eyes and then reaches into his coat pocket. His eyebrows are furrowed, lips pulled into a small pout. He doesn’t say anything to Jimin, just holds onto his hand so that Jimin can’t pull it away. When the man pulls out something small and manages to slide it onto one of Jimin’s fingers everything becomes clear and Jimin opens his mouth to say _anything_.

But he can’t.

There is nothing and he simply sits stunned and speechless.

“This is not a marriage thing.” Taehyung mumbles. He shuffles a little bit and his knee knocks into one wheel of the wheelchair, jostling Jimin. “I mean, no one will marry us anyway. So, it’s not that.”

Jimin giggles a little taken aback and still oh so confused. “Well, it certainly looks like a marriage thing?”

“It’s not. It’s a gift from me to you. That just maybe looks like a marriage thing.” Taehyung grunts as he stands up. His knees crack loud enough to even be heard over the wind. “This way I will always be with you, in a way. It’s just that.”

Jimin doesn’t want to cry, so he doesn’t. Instead, he laughs and reaches out for Taehyung, as much as he can. They kiss. It must be awkward for Taehyung, needing to bend down so much, but Jimin doesn’t care. He wants more. Everything that Taehyung is willing to give, everything that he can get. Every noise, every small shudder, every accidental bite and touch, every single feeling that blooms inside of him just because of Taehyung’s touch.

When Jimin pulls back he’s panting and can feel the drool on his chin slowly turning into thin ice. He snorts, laughs at the hungry look that Taehyung is wearing. “I love you, you horny disaster.”

Taehyung doesn’t say anything, but leans in for another kiss, drops on his knees in the snow and is careful enough not to jostle the wheelchair too much, to not make it ride back on accident. They take it slow this time, gentle and with little nips and moans shared between them. The wind is cold, but between them it’s warm.

Later, sleeping in the bed of his childhood room, Jimin kisses the ring and wishes with his whole being that he never knows the terror of losing Taehyung for as long as he is alive.

**Author's Note:**

> PHEW! congratulations on getting to the end and thank you for reading this mess 💖💖💖
> 
> i honestly dont know when exactly this is in the timeline of snk, but it's def before attack on Shinganshina, but also not that much before it. i also fudged around with the expeditions and the time spend between each one. like, from what i read on while refreshing my memory of the snk canon and world-rules, expeditions happen like every 8 years or so ish???, but here i didn't really try to follow that whole thing too strictly. well, idk if anyone cares about these details tho, but i hope it was a believable pre-titan eren expeditioning n stuff.
> 
> we will also ignore the fact that asians are, like, super duper rare in Paradis so ayyyyy
> 
> but dang guys i loved writing this so much!!!! im like 90% this wont be read by many but also idc. i just wanted to write this and so i did and now im happy :p
> 
> [my twitter](https://twitter.com/Rayfelle) and also [my cc](https://curiouscat.qa/raysus) if anyone wants to chat n stuff 
> 
> ps. fuck u google docs for removing the italics upon any kind of copy paste of text via you. shame on you


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